Starts out with tense changing, POV shifting, grammar, spelling and punctuation errors, a lot of narrator intrusion, and sentence fragments. No matter how good a story, that alone will cause readers to just put down the book. _bloody battle fought and won there 350 yr. earlier._ What bloody battle was fought in Boston in 1650? Opening sentence has Marty driving, yet a page later he is walking home around a park. Then he is driving again. Which one is it? And then the story goes nowhere. there...

Basically seems to meet most of the guidelines, with a few suggestions. First- you don't have to waste time and space with _May I introduce you to my fantasy book ‘Billabongo.’_ And if you do, it should end with a question mark. Also delete _Here is a short synopsis of ‘Billabongo.’_ The agent knows what it is, so save your space--also, this "short synopsis" needs to meld better with your opening hook sentence. Tell the agent a tad more about your publishing credits, ie traditional press or s...

Just a start--- possibly something could come from this. First line has a definite hook, but then it meanders a bit off topic. Need to feel more of a sense of location. Of description or the two people _Need less to say I looked the man dead in the eyes_ if it is needless to say, then don't say it. I don't know if the character is trying to get cool with the reader, or establish a more intimate relationship Also be careful to check for spelling errors, punctuation errors, etc.

I expected something much more exciting. It just seemed like a reading of a court transcript. No energy to it. A lot of interesting subject matter, but presented so dryly, so matter-of-fact, so little actual emotion. Killer last line, though. _nor could he take them from their mother/grandmother/aunt._ No, she was just their mother. He might have been the father/brother, but she was just the mother.

It appears to meet the basic requirements of a query letter. I personally have never heard of "Jane Rowan" and rather than expecting me (or an agent) to go to your blog, it would have more impact to be specific, and state how many unique hits the blog receives weekly or monthly To be honest, I'm not sure I would want to read another book about child abuse, or that there is enough to make a compelling story.

As I'm sure you have been told, this isn't a query letter. I would suggest moving this to the category where it should belong, so you can get feedback from readers who like that particular genre. That said, I had absolutely no feel or idea where these chapters were heading. I had no grasp of the main character or her plans, and therefore had no desire to read further. It just didn't hook me. That doesn't mean it won't grab some other reader. And I think 50,000 words is a bit short for a tradi...

This had really good potential, started nicely--not hugely strong, but interesting. It started getting iffy when Sandra noticed the 'driver of the red Neon.' First, how did she know he was the driver unless she saw him getting out of the car, or, unless someone said something about him being the driver. Next, the fight scene. Joshilyn Jackson says a writer should always physically block out action scenes, to make sure they really flow and make sense. This fight scene needs a little work. Then...

The story line seems quite unique and complicated. As a query letter, it is a little bit too complicated. According to Ms Snark and Janet at QueryShark, one thing agents really don't like is a query letter that starts out asking a lot of questions... how would you feel...? So I would take most of the first three paragraphs and condense those down to one paragraph that has a hook, a three sentence introduction of the storyline. Then the second paragraph should be about you and your publishing ...

In your first paragraph.. _Eventually, he makes up his mind: Is killing every man responsible for his loss the path to redemtion, or perdition?_ This is sort of contradictory. Either he makes up his mind. OR. he has this question. Second paragraph- do you have any publishing credits? Did you use your journalism degree? Write for the school paper? Anything at all? Overall, a bit bland, but generally covers the bases.

Generally speaking, in a crime/thriller/mystery, something needs to happen in the very beginning that hooks the reader. In literary fiction, the author has the liberty of taking a little bit longer, slide things along a bit more. So far this story doesn't really have the elements of crime/mystery/thriller, and it tends to drag. Using different points of view for the various chapters is fine- works well for some authors. I wasn't particularly taken by the first chapter. If it was intended to r...