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papawayne's profile
AGE:
60
LAST LOGIN: June 05
LAST LOGIN: June 05
I am a working author/novelist. I have one novel in publication, and I’m working on three more, plus a self-help book. I have several short-stories in print and on the web, and recently one of my stories was chosen to be include in ‘The Best of Tit-Elation’ quarterly print publication.
I live on a 600 acre farm in south-central Tennessee, a mile above the Alabama line, seven miles from the nearest town, and a quarter-mile from my nearest neighbor.
Besides writing, I enjoy traveling, and I’ve been in twenty-nine foreign countries on five continents.
You can learn more about me, read excerpts from my novels, and my blog, by going to http://dwrhodes.squarespace.com/welcome/
I hope to see you there.
Papawayne
Items
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
Unearthly creatures rolling up behind me, a beautiful girl running out in front of me, waves of Luchae wriggling all around me, big red sun, faraway planet...this is not real. This cannot be real! I had a great deal of difficulty accepting my situation as I ran for my life across the Sea of Luchae. If not for the sweat stinging my eyes, the sound of my heart booming in my ears, the sweet smell of Lilac in my nostrils, and those damn house slippers slipping every time I ran up a wave, I would ...
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Version 2
1 Review
1 Comment
Events take place in a clear mathematical sequence, or so my many years as an investigator for the London Metro led me to believe. A is followed by B is followed by C, and so on, until a climax is reached--a defining event--a purpose fulfilled or an intent realized. Fool's folly. *** I undulated in a dream, rising and falling with a pleasant rhythm as though on board a vessel far out to sea. A contented smile formed on my lips as my consciousness rose from the depths of my dream on the next r...
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Version 2
1 Review
1 Comment
I begin this tale not with an invitation or a salutation, but rather my good conscience dictates that I offer this fair warning: Tread softly upon these pages. Step with caution between the words and the syllables, for within their midst lie cracks and chasms so deep as to swallow the unwary reader whole. Do not think me mad. I speak thus with the wisdom gained from recent experience, although the whiteness of my hair might suggest otherwise to one not familiar with my person; for it was whil...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
Chapter 4 -- The Sea of Luchae Events take place in an absolute linear sequence, or so my many years as an investigator for the London Metro led me to believe. A is followed by B is followed by C, and so on, until a climax is reached--a defining event--a purpose fulfilled or an intent realized. Fools folly. *** I undulated in a dream, rising and falling with a pleasant rhythm, as though aboard a vessel far out to sea. A contented smile formed on my lips as my consciousness rose from the depth...
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Version 1
13 Reviews
16 Comments
Chapter 1 -- Snared unaware I begin this tale not with an invitation or a salutation, but rather my good conscience dictates that I should offer this fair warning: Tread softly upon these pages. Step with caution between the words and the syllables; for within their midst lie cracks and chasms so deep as to swallow the unwary reader whole. Do not think me mad. I speak thus with the wisdom gained from recent experience, although the whiteness of my hair might suggest otherwise to one not famil...
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Overall, I liked this, even though I had to read it several times to be clear of the meaning, as there is an awkward mix of social and personal references. I might suggest replacing "defeated indestructible china walls and of Berlin" with something more personally relevant. That would keep all of the imagery in the same perspective. Well done. ~Papawayne
I think your imagery is good - fleeting lives, hasty decisions, uncertain judgments, questionable values, individuality within the whole - all represent the common situation of mankind, and you carry that theme well throughout the piece. What I found distracting was the lack of punctuation (commas mostly), which is necessary to separate ideas into clear units of thought. Examples: And every one we have made, make, will make[,] we can’t undo This next line was very confusing. Perhaps: Inside m...
Not bad for your age. The image of still water becoming turbulent, as a metaphor for rage, is good. So is the link to the weakness of hunanity. You need to work on the cadence and flow a bit, like: If friend or foe, Make sure to keep away This lava pit will burn, So here do not stay Rage makes the eyes, Of all mortals blind From strong to weak, Even good and kind The human race will suffer, Suffer ever on Until they find a cure, And rage is forever gone... Keep up the good work. ~Papawayne
This story reads quite a bit like a radio play or a script for a television series. Not so much like a novel, as it's missing the depth of plot needed to engage the reader in the story. There may be a plot lurking about somewhere, but each chapter of a novel, and each scene in a chapter, should advance the plot to some degree, and I see none of that here. I've always been a fan of dry British humor, so I enjoyed the dialogue passages. If I were to have one criticism of the narrative, it would...
Here are 6 specific examples of passive voice: Where twenty years ago 300 hundred men were employed, now there was only him. The only thing to be gained by the accumulation of credits was influence in future development. He was tickled by the thought that they were going to actually land on terra firma. The corner was smashed off the case and glass covered the floor. A piece of flat white material was lodged between the stacks of remaining notes and the glass. Pointing his outstretched arm at...
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