This is a very very cool piece of poetry. I haven't heard your spoken word version but I will as soon as I post this review. I think it works fantastically well as is. It is a very linear work and it has an awesome kind of momentum inside it, like an invisible wheel pushing it onward. That is how it feels and sounds and reads to me, anyways. I think this is the kind of stuff that many people might describe as confronting but that is the greatest beauty of it. You get your points across quickl...

I love a poem that is uncompromising and yours is certainly that. But it is also so confusing that I have no idea what on earth you are talking about. I appreciate the nod to poem-like nouns such as "puppets", "cherubs", and "drunkards" and I love the very idea of the grey eye. Seriously. There are some phrases here that are incomprehensible and I think you would do well to make your meaning more clear by fixing up phrases and lines that just seem to be either in the way or are only completin...

Ok, you are obviously a born story-teller and that gives the piece a certain kind of momentum and space that makes it easy to read. I feel like the thing you should focus on is deleting any words in this that you don't absolutely need because there is a feeling that the characters and the story are happening just a little bit out of reach...like it's not quite immediate enough and I think removing redundancies and just phrases and words that you don't need or that are saying things we would o...

Ok, congratulations on your piece as it is so far. I feel like you have lots of dialogue but need to really find something of significance to base your story around. Some thing, some event, some situation in which the stakes are high...otherwise we, the readers, don't care that much. To make us care you have to establish something more weighty, something of more substance that is at stake or under threat or which is inevitable or whatever. You know what I mean? Good luck. Maybe make one of yo...

Ok. The opening line for you press release, and the title should derive from it or point to it as well, is this: "...a gripping tale of globalization’s disturbing effect on the present and the past that offers a sobering view of our future..." Not exactly as written but this line contains the hook of the press release. You need to tidy that up as a first sentence and then it will be easier to fill in the details in a more sparse, direct, and active kind of way. As your press release reads... ...

Congratulations on an interesting piece. Normally, you know, one keeps alliteration to a digestible level... it flashes by almost unseen. And then there is alliteration for the sake of it... like it is the only tool in the poets toolbox. And then there is your piece. I feel like behind your playful and athletic and enigmatic writing voice there lies a very very good poet with something to say. Be very careful when you stretch the readers vocabulary that you get every word absolutely correct. ...

It reads to me like you are coming at this little story from a certain perspective and then spend the whole story trying to fix it up because of that. You got lots of words you don't need. Drop the first sentence. And the second sentence...unless opening with that specific type of statement is a requirement of the form. They are too vague, really, and lead you to patch up that vagueness through the rest of the piece. Try opening with the line about Elena only feeling peaceful when she goes to...

Good work. I feel like you might benefit in this piece from editing out any unnecessary words/descriptions. Like "rich smell of fragrant grass" you could lose "rich smell of". That would solve one of the other difficulties in the opening few lines of this poem... the repeating of the word "smell". You could lose the word "nonrhythmic" as well, I think. Cos if it is nonrhythmic, and it is thunder (which cannot be any other way than nonrhythmic), then you don't need to qualify the thunder in th...

Fantastic poem. Leaving the zinger til the last and that gave the simplicity that much more poignancy. There are few who could not relate to this piece in a deep and moving way. Congratulations. Put a book out. Cheers.

This story reads more like a diary, or a journal entry than a story. I think the stuff you have here is useable in the context of a story, though. It reads much as one's thoughts might unravel to oneself under similar circumstances. The story comes alive suddenly half way through page six with the mention of the main character's mothers death. Maybe you could try pruning back the description that fills pages 1 through 5 a bit so you can introduce the mothers death much much earlier. Cheers an...