H-m-m-m. Where the hell is that barn in New York City? Lexington Avenue? It was fun while it lasted. So thanks. Paul

First, you have a really interesting premise and a good flair for action scenes. But I suspect you might be pretty new at this because of the way you crowd all that background information into the first chapter. This early in the game I believe we only need to know that Darrin and Colette are married, he's an agent, she's a pol and they have a dog. If you'd get the clutter out and introduce it piecemeal later on, you could have an exciting first chapter. One thing bothered me about the action...

I don't feel I can say how close you are to your goal of getting this published until I see more. But I think it's a helluva fine posting and reading it was a pleasure. I'll certainly come back to look for additional chapters. I liked the balance of humor and irony for the young adult audience. But you gotta tell me who the TWIP are. Animal, vegetable, mineral or humanoid? Here's one quibble. You have a sentence running "But somehow it suited it." I thought while reading that "But somehow it ...

I feel this is more of a short essay than a short story. You have an emotional tone that fits the subject matter, but you need to edit. It is not unusual to overwrite at your age. Your goal is unrealistic for this material. Think in terms of young adult publications for now. Good Luck. Paul

I think you know you write well, but I gotta tell ya this reads like you sat in front of the computer screen and forced yourself to put down whatever came into your head. I'm not saying this to be flip or mean, but as a reader who wants to be drawn into a story. I believe you should give plotting a try - even a short story needs one. You stay inside your protagonist's head so much it kills your story's forward motion. Like everyone else who writes, a stream of consciousness writer needs to th...

Sorry, but I can't see what kind of flash fiction contest would be looking for something like this. Then again, I never knew phoenixes (phoenices?) reproduces asexually. Good luck.

I think your work is reminiscent of Anne Rice. Like her, you include a wealth of detail in your story that slows it down at times. Fans of Ms Rice may feel otherwise, but I think the story could be improved if you would eliminate a lot of the mundane detail and concentrate more fully on the emotional stream-of-consciousness that you command so well. This would have the effect of shortening the excerpt considerably while increasing its impact on the reader. A story that describes the paranorma...

"Some people think Vincent Beltryn's life is a wet dream compared to theirs, but I know otherwise. I'm Vincent and I'm here to say I'd be glad to switch with them. But fate, that twisted little bitch, would have it otherwise." That's how I'd start this piece. But listen, it's your life and you should write it your way. At 16, I think you are VERY talented and should keep on writing. Try spellcheck to pick up some of the typos, e.g. "ashmatics" for asthmatics. And try not to let your protagoni...

I'm awfully glad I stuck with this to the end. Your writing has a lot going for it, but I do have some specific criticisms. The worst thing in your whole piece is the second paragraph. All that stuff about the dates and their smell should be handled in just one sentence. I'm telling you this because I nearly abandoned your posting at that point. I think editors may have a similar reaction, which would be a shame. One more example of overwriting occurs later (bear with me now, I'm definitely o...

Hi, My primary criticism about this piece is that it lacks focus. You let yourself go back in forth in time too much and for too long. One idea would be to do this over, limiting yourself to the present, only allowing yourself to talk about past action very briefly - perhaps ten words or less. A 2000 word first chapter is long. That's not bad, but I think you're trying to accomplish way too much - there isn't much mystery left about Sara by the end of this chapter, and I'm not sure there is a...