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photographer200's profile
AGE:
43
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 15
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 15
WHAT I CAN HELP WITH
I can be a help on almost anything. I love to read, I love to write, I actually love to edit and offer comments.
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My greatest strengths lie with business, technology, and science. This may sound boring, but please understand that it takes good writing to simplify and explain complex and technical subjects without confusing or losing people. So, I’m very good at helping people make their writing clearer. I’m bragging here, but you try to write and present a paper on “The Use of Pump-Turbine Sets and Direct Pumping in Open-Loop Chilled Water Storage Systems” and see if you get a standing ovation from an international audience of 150 engineers who have never even seen or designed such a system.
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For novels, I…
Items
Version 2
12 Reviews
16 Comments
The three women lay naked in the courtyard by the pool. Looking across the pool to the south, the women could see the vast Pacific Ocean. They could hear, far below and out of view, the ocean surf break upon the El Salvadoran coastline. From the beach, cliffs angled upward almost one hundred feet until they reached the mansion and courtyard, sitting atop the precipice, where the women sunbathed. To the north and east, the courtyard walls pushed back the encroaching jungle. Gardens and water s...
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I'm a beginning writer, so I hope my comments are of some use. You've handle the approach well by going back and forth between the dialogue of the patient and the doctor, and the patient's reading from the journal, and the doctor's interruptions to ask questions. The overall effect keeps things keep moving forward. I'm not sure what advice to offer to make it move faster ... and of course I was reading for review rather than pleasure, so it may move fast enough. It just seems that the patient...
Okay, I'm an amateur, and my comments may not be on target here. If you feel they were not of any help, let me know, and I'll see if I can help through comments or messages. I started by doing a page by page review. What I started is shown far below. But, now that I've read through this, let me offer some general comments. GENERAL COMMENTS I love to read, so I stuck with you to the end. And, I can see a lot of imagination and clever phrases and great ideas. And, I'm a little worn out. You use...
With phrase like "passing pain" and "hiding inside a jacket you wear so well" and "watching you embrace the rain," I don't get a feel for romance, but one of sorrow. But I'm not sure who to feel sorry for. Maybe it could start: Your shadow crept beneath the darkness (or, down the sidewalk, or path, or walkway, or between the buildings, or ruins, any of those) Passing pain Then I would get the idea of who harmed and who was harmed. I may be way off base on your intentions. Bob
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