plain_text's profile

"though not yet close enough to pounce, to squash the man senseless under 180 kilos of raw nerve and muscle." Is where I stopped... While I like some of the opening imagery, I feel pelted by the use of words. Too much is being attempted in too few sentences. "Beaulyn deFaux sat at the water’s edge, his knees pulled up in front of him, watching the full moon travel across the starry, moth-filled sky." Automatically I feel put off by this sentience. Some questions to ask yourself. 1) What does ...

Specific notes: “Macintosh apples” is too specific. The smell of wild apples makes more sense. “He was so brave and fought so hard, but in the end, the cancer had won and I am alone with three children.” I find to be wooden and sentimental. I think you can trim most of the paragraph. Consider moving from “not fair,” right into “he left me with three kids.” The graveyard and the cancer may be important to your character, but it feels expositional and tires your audience. “Surviving a loved one...

General Comments: The three below comments are representative of my general critique. Specific Comments: 1) but she always knew there was something about her that she could not quite explain. Seeing that most people feel this way about themselves, I would consider removing this line. It feels expositional. 2) There was something piercing in her slate gray eyes and an unassuming air about her with her flat bottle black hair, her turtlenecks, and her knee length skirts 3) He stopped and looked ...

This reads like all of the Nike commercials that invade our life. Consider these questions: Is this quote funny? Is this quote cute? Does this quote say anything new about the human condition? Consider exploring some of the existential dilemmas of life, then tell me what you think in a follow up quote.