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poeticla's profile
AGE:
31
LOC: Des Moines, IA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 04
LOC: Des Moines, IA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 04
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Version 1
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Cicadas dance . . . as they do on leaves of trees reaching sound rejoicing into every window I can recall peering out since age three . . . Perhaps tonight they are pushing me into believing in summer again . . . By embracing the fervor of a passionate sun and the dripping humidity of Des Moines Cicadas play as they do they continue . . . greeting night time giving into dusk a cool breeze breathes coming onto the night as . . . darkness folds over humidity’s glance breaking today’s sweat . . .
Version 1
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Somewhere in that Not so dark part of you The lighter bright side Of your soul comfort weighs What I can always hold That much is you . . .
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Everything is what I do all day long.... I no longer want to speak the word... If.... in your shadow it has no meaning, for I.... is not tall enough... too be good enough. It is the air of September that seems like late June. Sweating in the absence of triumph that is only mine.... Triumph over the infamous they, to whom I am no one, Some one the one you love, or want to be, or the stranger I just glanced at... I am expression freedom less than expected but more than needed to dance along the...
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Dusty brown hair Wide-open eyes Catching all That’s Clean and comforting Let the rest of me Mop up Pain with shame becoming gullible again Filthy dirty after a scalding bath scour A steaming rainstorm Can cleanse Me into the woman Who shines and sparkles In between water and soap
Version 1
1 Review
1 Comment
Spending time in this box, has led my mind to set itself up structurally. Step by step Through excruciating processes of accepting. Tying up a whole lot of nothing business. Which ingredients include: 1 cup of non-socialization Two tablespoons of experience gained Three cups of shredded light, to make properly The recipe calls for at least four cups of shredded light and hope in order to discontinue the smoking of any dreamers’ pipe. To conclude this baked good Boil shredded light for 1 hour ...
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You have a good sense of painting a scene, a timeline of emotions and actions through love and nature. Perhaps you can squeeze a title out of the prior.
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This is a very brave attempt to paint the picture of a destructive generation, perhaps they are bleeding because they are trying to feel? A healthy outlet for a young person to bleed through is expression in the arts, perhaps the most healthy way I can think of. Glad you found it! Your descriptions here are general. To catch the reader, paint specific details with metaphor. The razor screaming is a good vivid image.
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I enjoy the one word lines that define and lead into the next line, like Pain, Charm, and Slick.
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Meter is more important than rhyme, a good poem doesn't have to rhyme. Trying to rhyme has never worked for me. Try alliteration exercises to find your own balance.
The skinless hands of damnation is a favorite line. You choose vivid metaphors that make your stanzas flow. Try to eliminate your overuse of words the & and. This may help you tighten.
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