poliksa's profile

This is really interesting- I love the political humor, definitley pulls you in. The government edition bibles are a perfect touch. Some of the sections when they're remembering their childhoods get a little drawn out, but all and all, it's a really good piece. Keep up the good work! :)

The general premise you have going on is good, but I'm thinking your execution is a little off. Maybe you could mix it up and have him actually get arrested- the cops show up, start questioning him, search his place, find the porn, he gets hauled to jail for a night. Then the girl is found and he's sent free. If the event actually happens, it would carry more weight with the reader and would make the his decision to get married make more sense. Plus, imagine all the funny/embarassing moments ...

You have an unbelievable talent for description. The scene you painted in the accident couldn't have been more perfect. One problem I always find when writers (including myself;) begin with a lot of description- it gets boring and way too wordy. But your start pulls me into the story and gets me interested :) The only suggestion I have is when you transition from his perspective to hers, it took me until "she screamed it" to catch on , and I had to go back and reread the first paragraph. Mayb...

I really enjoyed your story- very real descriptions that are very relatable. The only bit of constructive criticism I have to offer is that you tend to get a bit wordy at times, you can probably cut some of the filler in a lot of your paragraphs. The moment of pure genius comes when you describe the fight with his ex-wife and how he tries to save the baby fish. Perfect- I can definitely see this in a literary magazine or just a collection of short stories. Keep up the great work! :)