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AGE:
23
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 18
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 18
Hi,
This is all new to me really! I love writing, ideas are always popping in to my head but I rarely put pen to paper. I finally decided to give it a go after a friend recommended this website. Any feedback is much appreciated and I cant wait to read everyone else’s stuff.
x
Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
0 Comments
He waited, partially hidden by the twilight shadows, which were playfully dissolving day to night. The neat semi stood proudly in a street of almost identical houses, its small front garden decorated with a tidily pruned hedge. He lit another cigarette, the flame of his clipper briefly illuminating his twisted features and still he waited. The semi was still a hive of activity, lights illuminating each room, coloured walls proudly displayed to the outside world. He waited tirelessly and his p...
Version 1
21 Reviews
0 Comments
The first pale beam of early morning sunlight filtered through the gaps in the wooden Venetian blinds, painting the cream wall a warm sunshine yellow. He turned careful not to wake up Anya who lay solid and sleeping beside him in the double divan, yawning widely he checked the red digits displayed on the alarm clock beside his bed, not even nearly close to 6am yet but the sleep he yearned for would not consume him. It was too far away even to attempt to grasp and he sighed with frustration re...
Version 1
18 Reviews
0 Comments
She ran, her bare feet pricked by the sharp pine needles and slashed to ribbons on the small jagged rocks lying discarded in the woodland. Even the pain and the slick feeling of blood did not discourage her from her constant frantic pace. Her slender limbs were carrying her as quickly as she could force them in order to get as far away as possible from the presence she felt was closing in around her. Moonlight flooded the sparse dusty earth and she tried to weave a trail around the silvery st...
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Reviews
This kind of reads like a political poem regarding the war stuff. I like the repition of 'what am i doing'. It seems to become a little bit more stressed with each repeat and the importance of it becomes vita to the piece. Im not too sure about the swearing though I think it cheapens it and you didnt need to put it in there.
You seem to write this as though its rushed and everything is happening a little too quickly. You jump from scene to scene so fast, when Dave is killed there is no detail put in to it. Try to expand on the detail side, colours, smells etc,, Likewise the set Shelley does in the club is very quick, you give us a taste with her exchange with Gordo but her on stage set could play out so much better. The base is all there but you need to build a lot more on it. The premise is good and could be sha...
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