precjozus's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Poland
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 13
LOC: Poland
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 13
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Version 1
10 Reviews
0 Comments
Square peg, round hole, BIG hammer.
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Version 1
8 Reviews
4 Comments
Bert fell off the scaffolding of the world while he was painting the stars. He was having one of those moments, when something inside you just annihilates your concentration with one sharp slap of the words "what's the point?". He knew full well that the most pointless part was the question itself, but still he couldn't help it. You never can - when the particles of doubt and self-destruction crawl up your initiative the question becomes inevitable. And he was having such a good time focusing...
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You should have seen the look on my face when I found out I had an aunt who ran off with a jukebox salesman - terrific idea. You made the reader assimilate to the role of a child with a specific type of background... and that's so fun! Though I always thought remote controls were invented earlier than video games, I guess, for the sake of the story, I can accept the opposite. I had a lot of fun reading this.
I don't think you need any more details - it's quite clear the way it is. You let the reader feel the situation very well. One little thing that made me pause - I usually expect an exclamation mark before someone is said to have exclaimed something. Other than that the whole thing is a very pleasant read.
I love it, it's very witty. In the third stanza you seem to lose rhythm a bit. If you made it "and get there in the past." I think it could fit.
50.0% Review Quality (4 Votes)
Well, I'm glad to be reading this again. I love what you did to it - it's clear, it's more fluent and it keeps the reader's attention from start to finish. A few subtle suggestions: "Courtney, Jasper, and Mikhail shifted their attention in unison to Killjoy" - this is the moment when the reader had just learned the salesman's name and had realized that he's not really a salesman - you immediately shift the attention from 'salesman' to 'Killjoy'. I quickly forgot, that Killjoy is the salesman ...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Well, it certainly needs quite a bit of work. The very first sentence proved to be a challenge to read. First of all, she would become a Mrs. - not a Ms, second of all: "The moment the future...", after that Ms could as well have meant "Mother Ship" - I was stuck. How about "The moment Mr. John Henkins's bride-to-be..."? "...I knew that I was never to see a bride the same way" -> "...I would never see...", or better yet "I would never look at a bride in the same way." Third sentence: "A se...
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