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AGE:
20
LOC: Elk Grove, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 29
LOC: Elk Grove, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 29
My name is Katrina, I’m 18, still young and new in the world of writing, hopefully I will have my first chapter of my novel that I am working on up soon. Anything contructive is greatly appreciated.
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Version 1
13 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter One Sitting at the edge of a small rickety chair, I still held my paper and pen in my hand. I looked over his sleeping body, watching his eyes flutter as he snored quietly; unaware of my movement around his apartment. Seeing you so clearly/ the rise and fall of your chest/ eyelids fluttering as you dream. I wanted to fall asleep. I wanted to stay in his arms, snuggled close to his body. Instead, I simply kissed him lightly on the cheek. I breathe you in/ savoring your smell. I folded ...
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Version 1
32 Reviews
2 Comments
Chapter One The light casts shadows dancing gently on your sleeping body matching breath for breath I want to keep this moment remember it cherish it keep it something so simple and still something so special slowly the sun illuminates the room seeing you so clearly the rise and fall of your chest eyelids fluttering as you dream I run my fingers across your arm pulling me closer I breathe you in savoring your smell sleeping so soundly unaware of the world awakening around you closing my eyes ...
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"make it hear on no yellow" I think that "hear" should be "here", I'm pretty sure you weren't talking about any type of listening. "we stayed on Alaska" This might sound better if it was written "we stayed in Alaska" I understand the reason for most of the main characters flaws in her speech, but by changing that it might be more easily understood. It might make the character stand out more if her name was given to her earlier in the story. And perhaps some dialogue that showed how her dad tr...
I liked the imagery you used within this short story, and I enjoyed the comparison to a child's monster under the bed to a monster in the bed. The heartache and loneliness were easy to identify and made the story realistic and easy to read. I especially liked the part about the twitch. "One more night of feeling the comfort of someone twitch; the thing that used to annoy you, now the annoyance you now miss," My own girlfriend twitches while she sleeps and it is annoying, but I know that if sh...
I'm not sure this would qualify as a short story, to me it reads much more like a poem. The flow and rhythm of the words is very nice and easy to read. The only part that confused me was mentioning the name Hizzoner, it was not mentioned but once, unless I misunderstood something, and while reading I wasn't sure who Hizzoner was. Was he one of the bakers? Was he the man who looked like Lionel Barrymore? Either way it stuck out a little in an otherwise very clear story. I liked the ironic endi...
You have a good start. It is very detailed and has good imagery. But I think that this poem is too much of a cliche to really become an outstanding piece of poetry. I do like that it rhymes, and the image of love pouring out of your pores was something refreshing, but the whole "I love love..." section, was not that great. Try explaining why you love love. Such as: I love love, wrapped in anothers arms. I crave love, wanting desperately to satisfy. I need love, with each breath becoming more ...
In the beginning, you should add more detail as to why Taylor misbehaves as she does. Was she abused as a child, and now her tormented mind is angry beyond relief? Is she asking for attention because her parents are rich snobs and care more about their cocktail parties than their daughter? You do not have to go into it fully, but some sort of foreshadowing would make the story more interesting and more pleasing to the reader. "She did it on purpose, though. she missed her family but his fathe...
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