Hi, I was interested in the setting and action from the get-go, but some grammar items could be easily fixed for a smoother read - "The battle between Orbit and its enemies were [was] intense, but there was also conflict between [among] the employees. Unlike Jinni [Jenni] insured [ensured] Rio walked with his he pointed [? word missing?] Would they know his on sight as the son of a famous person? Maybe he could be the famous one, a prodigy pilot as well as the son of the famous Eddie Gonzalez...

The story is something that is different from my usual taste, so I am not a good judge of whether it would hook a reader. A comment on the structure though, would be to omit the first sentence. It didn't ground me in the story like the next paragraph. It would be fine to let a reader find out the character's thoughts in the next few paragraphs. It seems to be a story involving a woman of advanced years. "Frail hands" - maybe in her 80's or older? Girl sitting across her is a volunteer, but I ...