The first thing that I noticed is that this is written as a hybrid between a story and a play. Because it is not written like a screenplay it makes it difficult to read. You have written this script where the dialouge is placed in quotes like a story. However some of the action is written as if it where a line in a play, using a colon. When writing dialouge, always bold the characters name speaking it, center the name, then underneath write the line to be said. When noting action, I have seen...

'fridge heart'? Am I correct in thinking that's a typo for 'frigid heart'? Otherwise, not only are the syllables wrong, the first line isn't very hooking. Overall, it isn't very consistant. The first line refers to a singular object, the second thought plural, and the third isn't well seperated. The last line sounds unattached and out of the blue, but I think if it were tied more efficiently together it would be quite nice. I esspecially would like the second line, possibly with a comma betwe...

Slightly awkward in cadence, but overall it's very humorous. The first and last lines are particularly odd sounding, and it took me a few reads but I think I finally got it.

The first poem is particularly catching, I found it absolutely lovely. I had expected 'sights' to be 'lights' but I think I like it better how you wrote it. The second, while still nice, is my least favorite. It sounds far too choppy, as haikus tend to often in their beginnings. The first line especially sounds out of place. The last line of the thrid poem makes me bust into a smile every time I read it. It's a thrilling little piece that sends me back the few years I've had. The second line ...

It doesn't flow particularly well. I love the idea, but it sounds as though you just have random words strung together, the only thing connecting them being they sort of make up this humorous thought.

Overall I'd say it's 'cute'. Very universal, but doesn't evoke strong emotions, doesn't strike the reader as exeptionally clever, doesn't sound hugely pleasant when read. It's good, but I think you could do more with it.

I couldn't figure out if this was your way of venting on those who have wronged the structure of limericks here on Urbis, but I got it. This is very clever, I've not seen anything like it. That said, the fourth line needs work, not only does it not read correctly, but it's boring, the whole idea of the 3rd and 4th line are unappealing. Though I did enjoy it quite a bit, in the tradition of limericks I had hoped the last line would bring in that extra bit of humor to drive the whole poem into...

I read the top, and may I say, I think i deserve extra credits for it. :P. As for the poem itself, I read it over a few times and about the third line I was lost rhythmically. It caught up again, but I think there must be something off there, I might check it again if I were you. Overall I thought it was very funny and cute, and agree completely with you.

I would completely re-do a lot of the punctuational structuring. Second line "in other room"=awkward. Third line of third stanza has too many syllables. I liked it. Not sure I really understood it to its fullest extent but not a bad read.

(First of all-Too many ratings and rankings.) The rhyme scheme wasn't enthralling, instead a bit distracting. The third line has too many syllables, maybe one too many in the worth, and the last has too many syllables and the slant rhyme is just plain too slanted. I loved the idea, but needs better excecution. The rhymes sounded forced and not every thought in the piece really looked as though it fit, that it was just used because you needed something there.