This is really very funny. I would have posted this under Humour straight off. It is so mad. The very best parts are 'we all deserve respect except Tomsk' - hysterical and America i love you we go fishing together. but not Alaska ha ha... delicious. I expect I have been really taken in by this and the writer is really an America There are a few passages which don't work so well I love the detached intellectual smugness of Seinfeld (this dosn't seem pigeon english) Look at Russia and China! (I...

Great use of imagination in this piece I really like the way you switch from the accident on the bridge straight into the battle. Good imagery. well done Feels like you have a great story to tell but you need to attend to the way you write make it easy to read for people like me. Lol:) Very first impression is that your opening sentence is way to long. Remember you have to grab your reader instantly. You can have a great story but if no one reads past the first line... The moment that the veh...

Hey! Glad things lucked out for you. This piece of work really shows how you felt when you were down and also you manage to capture how things turned around very naturally. Your cheerful nature shines through your writing. As to the content I would like to see you value yourself for who you are rather than as part of a relationship. If you value yourself for your writing then that to can turn things round , I find people will let you down if you put to much faith in them. I guess you have wri...

The things I like abou this piece are as follows: The rather sardonic tone of the narration. This is really neat as it makes me -the reader - feel clever. 'cause I know what you mean. The structure of the plot gives a drip feed of information at just the right rate to keep me interested. I really enjoyed some of your witty lines - The titanium box that the disks come in - This had me thinging 'Hell where is my box to get into?' I'm not sure i ever heard of an 11/11 prophesy - Is this your cre...

Really good idea to take the lyrics from Teen angel and weave a short story from them. Nice use of period details. I thought the ending was unusual and funny but it only really works if you know the song. Maybe if you could drop in more of the lyrics or the title in as sung by the priest then it would work for a larger readership. It is a well known song but it still took me a minute. The way you set the scene is great very readable. My only real critism would be that you could use a reason f...

My favorite memories about Scotland are: Walking all the way up that f'ing hill to the Wallace memorial to be told that it is shut - Why not put the sign at the bottom. A courteous voice follows us back down the hill as we retrace our steps. 'On you go you English B~~~~~ds.' I love the way 'Mel Gibson' got the Lead in Brave Heart. Lol an antipodean dwarf. I love the grey pebble dashed estates where the grim pubs only serve tennants super. Reminds me of England. Plastic Bagpipes. Despite these...

Personally I think this works very well told from the view point of the suicide. I didn't feel put of by your p.o.v. switches. They work fine for me. At first I swung between believing that she was going to burn the compound or herself. Also I suppose as this is the begining of a larger work you are only setting out to intrigue and draw the reader on. I certainly would like to know more about the voices inside her. Could you not give us a taste? I was slightly confused as to the relationship...

You have written a thoughtful piece here. It's got some typos so check it before publishing. I like the way you open the piece. You give us a perfect couple on a sidewalk. We can tell all is not well though throuh the filthness of the pavement and the old gum. I like the way you play the cafe scene again showing lovers in a bad light as insensitive, rude self obsessed creatures. So accurate Then you go on to ask questions which is always good. However I think You could go on with this piece i...

If I set aside the last paragraph which i imagine that you have used to tie the piece together in an amusing fashion.(It is quite amusing btw) Then I feel you have a neat character study here.... maybe useful in a novel to deliniate a character. Although your description of a woman who can't see pictures feels slightly uncomfortable. It really got me thinking about the way people view the world differently. Similarly Abstract painters will suggest that the one legged cow with three heads they...

Really enjoyed this piece. Great descriptions of the characters and environment. I particularly like the way the fathers chair seems to encompass his character. The little boy is especially dislikable. The way the piece ends seems to make both a heroine and victim of the mother. The reader empathises with her and yet has a sinking feeling that she will be going back to the mental establishment or prison which holds so much fear for her. I feel that you could improve the work in that respect. ...