relaxjolene's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: West Palm Beach, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 01
LOC: West Palm Beach, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 01
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Items
Version 1
12 Reviews
1 Comment
Attempting to rush home from work, so that I'm not late, I'm greeted by an onslaught of blaring car horns causing me to lose track of my spot that I had ever-so-hastily marked in my mental to-do list. "Shit." I mutter, scrambling to recall what I had, just moments ago, moved to the top of the list. Flowers? Check - on the counter, ready to go. one down - more than twenty, to important to ignore, tasks to go. Dammit - I hate firsts. I can't stand the pretentiousness of it all. If the date is s...
Version 2
16 Reviews
4 Comments
“I’ve always said, ‘the best way to get to know someone is to get them drunk’.” His lips stretch into that grin I’ve come to know so well, and he flicks the ash off his cigarette and onto the concrete. The table we’re sitting at is littered with notebooks, pencils, pens, empty or half-empty cigarette boxes and our matching Zippo lighters. The ashtray by my right elbow is nearly overflowing with my stubbed-out cigarettes, several of the filters still smoldering. The air around our heads is fu...
Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
“I’ve always said ‘the best way to get to know someone is to get them drunk’.” His lips stretch into that grin that I’ve come to know so well, as he flicks the ash off his cigarette and onto the concrete. That same cigarette is glowing ever closer to the filter, and ever closer to the delicate skin lying between the first and second joints on his middle and pointer fingers. I refrain from pointing out this fact, knowing as I do that he will notice just in time to take one last drag before tos...
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Reviews
Hmm...I like the meaning behind this, but I think it's a little vague. Perhaps instead of "one click short" say "a back click away from" or something of the like.
What an interesting concept! I would have never thought of this, but I LOVE it! I really like the nice fantasy, old-fashioned feel you've given to it, and I love your use of vocabulary...really fantastic. The only things I can recommend to you are a. Proof-read. Your story (as amazing as it is) has several spelling and grammatical errors. b. Read it aloud to yourself. This is something I nearly always suggest. You find many errors (or places that just feel awkward) when you do this. We speak ...
Haha leaping lemurs! :) I love this...it's got all the whimsy that a children's poem needs. It reminds me a great deal of my favorite children's poet Shel Silverstein (Where The Sidewalk Ends, The Light in the Attic, The Giving Tree) and I LOVE that! Keep up the great work, I'd love to see you get a book of these poems published.
I LOVE this. Your way with words is incredible...don't ever stop writing, ok? Is the title referencing the fact that Barney Rubble always gets what he wants only to have it snatched from him at the last second (Fruity Pebbles commercials)? That's the only reason I can think of for the title, but if I'm way off base please let me know...I'd love to know the exact reasoning behind your title choice.
I really like your use of imagery, and senses (Goose bumps, chills...etc), and your alliterations are fantastic! I love this! No suggestions, just keep writing! :)
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