rollingbolus's profile

She holds back her head --- this doesn't sound right still as new as the day --- can't be....'still looking as new as...' that was its home --- you could remove this The father of the child that never returned --- this sounds like the child had never returned from looking for work......'the father of the child (who) had never returned...' graduated an ivy league University --- from an Ivy League fully dilated they shimmered like glass --- fully dilated, they shimmered like glass the disappoin...

vine covered.....over handled --- these need hyphenating I like the last line although having read it a couple more times I'm not sure about it, I still like it but maybe it could be worded slightly differently? I'm not sure why you think this gets worse the more you read it - I enjoyed it a lot. Move forward, not backwards (is this the opposite you talk about in your notes?!) This is a very accomplished start if this really is your very first attempt at a short story. I feel you have taken t...

similtaneously --- simultaneously As I searched for my destination of matrimony --- this sounds odd as how can she search for it when it's already coming? It was like the satin burning in her eyes --- I'm not sure what this means either spectically??? shreiked --- shrieked your legal --- you're You freaking hoe --- ho your just his little pet --- you're This starts pretty well but it ends suddenly with no climax; they're arguing and then suddenly she leaves the room, and that's that. You coul...

drove over the Pateng Bridge --- drove off? Years of mourning dug deep trenches --- had dug his cheeks seemed to collide like two continental plates --- this sounds weird, does he or doesn't he have a nose? Also perhaps you spend a bit too long describing his face, do it in less words otherwise it sounds as if you can't quite describe it right to yourself flopping their last minutes of life --- life away? perspective customers --- prospective her simple lips smiled at him --- you mean she has...