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ross's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 20
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 20
May all beings be happy
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Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
Old dog eyes looking all about shining with all his thought “I am sad world, won’t you play with me?” “This is not what my keepers promised me” Old dog, sniffing his way to the house’s door A little scruffy boy sitting on the porch, talking to himself of his broken world, Child-ways robbed from him by truths told; Things he should not know till he’s all growd “Old dog, have you lost your family?” Scruffy little boy, afraid the dog might leave bellows sweetly: “Old dog, you have floppy ears” “...
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Great story and you really set the mood but , what's written here feels like declarative sentences are being thrown at me,I suggest fictionalizing and romanticizing these events more, embellish the whole thing and add some alliterative language and you'd have great short story, you could even start a novel.
I'm not sure the message of the poem really evokes anything more than the suffering of the girl it doesn't show me what she can live up to, it does evoke images well though.
I would make some reference to who they are in the poem, something metaphorical maybe, descendants of Nubians or some such, depending on accurate you want to be but make it clear who those suffering are and by whom their suffering; obviously your "for reviewer notes" do that, but you don't get to write things in the margins in the publishing world. I did instill me with a sense of tragedy, and I liked that you stuck with a more literal wording throughout.
I like it allot, but i would take the "To" out in the second line, it makes it flow better.
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