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AGE:
16
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 03
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 03
Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
4 Comments
Long ago, when the streets were still cobblestone and littered with the rats infested with fleas and disease roamed freer than the people, there would be the bodies of the dying and starving paving a way from boulevard to boulevard. The brothels lining the roads through the city housed sexual desires that would stop men in the middle of the streets of Paris, the city of l’amour. Love: you could gain it on any street corner and wench your carriage passed by, at least for one night. Penniless f...
Version 1
8 Reviews
1 Comment
“What?” I finally spurted out, attempting to make some type of logical sense out of his words. James’ eyes glanced at me for a moment before going back down to the front page of the paper. In my indignation, I slammed my hand against the mahogany table. His brown eyes flickered up, filled with contempt. “I believe you speak English, son, though sometimes I wonder where you retrieved your terrible slang from.” He gave a short, withering smirk. “I also believe you understand precisely the instr...
Version 1
9 Reviews
5 Comments
Light hated the screams. They were loud and blood-curdling, the screams of the dead and dying, the screams as their last breath languished out of their throats and their hearts thumping ended as suddenly as it had come. Mouths formed a minuscule moan as it went, and then they would fall to the ground, their fingers clutching at the garments around their hearts, if they were privileged to still have anything other than the bareness of rags. There was something about how their lives would end, ...
Version 1
11 Reviews
0 Comments
Ah, sunshine. I blinked my eyes gingerly, not quite used to the light which radiated from the nearby window. The sun shined on, oblivious to my aching eyes or the fact which bothered me the most— I should have still been asleep. As I twisted my neck to the left, getting a reasonable crack as my neck popped in return, my eyes were cursed with the number's 7:32 in lustrous burgundy. It was a Saturday, and Saturday’s were meant for resting and washing the filth from the mind caused by school. As...
Version 2
10 Reviews
2 Comments
Letter Unknown I don’t know where to really begin. The story I tell you now is nothing but the cold, honest truth. I should start from the beginning and work my way up to the important things, should I not? Most people believed my life was a paradise, but to me, Vincent Beltryn, it was the equivalent of Hell on Earth. I grew up in the wealthiest part of middle-of-nowhere Ventra, Washington, a small town north of Seattle where people either made their fortunes or squandered it. Split into two ...
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Reviews
Your biggest problem is that you're telling the reader everything to do with Eleanor. You don't have to reiterate that the kids are mean to her if you would just show it to us. You have a lot of 'they were mean. They did this', when all you have to do is show the readers the things that the kids and her mother were doing to her. It's like playing connect-the-dots with someone who, rather than lining the dots for you to connect, already did it. That's not fun. Now, have a little more faith in ...
There were a few problems with this. First off, you occasionally change from past to present while writing. It may just be a matter of taste, but I think if you want to have Lilly to be referring to things, I believe it would be best to keep it with the rest of the tensing. Also, there were a few simple errors (names, rather than named; the wrong punctuation after the dialog (when you have a tag at the end, you need to had a comma-- "That's silly," she said. "You're silly." She kicked somethi...
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