Inting title, it draws the reader in...What could possibly be written about a bag? The first four lines are brilliant writing to solidify the core of the piece! Bravo! With frayed stitching...good visual imagery. And a broken zipper –...even better. (Sometimes it opens, Sometimes it’s impossibly stuck.)...I would eliminate this line as it is clear regarding a broken zipper and how it gets screwed up. I sure seem to cart around An awful lot of old ‘stuff’...try to fit in "old baggage" as that ...

The first sentence seems twisted and mismatched. If it were broken: When I was young and beauty old, I watched all words drift away...the words seem to not have a place with young, old or beauty. I reread it several times and have been unable to get the meaning here. I am lost in the beginning...not good. I tried to move forward to find if the words were expanded on but then we moved to tears? when I saw their tears at man's great sword I hid my soul within the wind, Beyond that, it is very g...

This is a very visual piece but there are a few things you may consider in revision. The weight pulls me forward in a compulsory curtsy, a subliminal gesture of my submissive condition...remove a subliminal gesture due to the fact that you are stating first that a physical force is pulling you forward, therefore contridictory stating that it is subliminal. Plus, the addition of "a subliminal gesture of my" creates a longer sentence and not visually asthetic to the eye. It is off balance-visua...

This ia a very visual and elegantly written piece with nearly zero flaws. Congratulations. some softly, others hardened...I would switch hardened to hard. thru shrubs of green...excellent use of color, better written as an adjective before green to give it texture. blossoms of your desires...consider changing your to describe the overall importance of that desire. quills of wings...very intelligent. thru blackened hues if ink...typo? of ink favorite or preferred style,...very good, it makes t...

It hangs on the back. Back of my bathroom door. Made of paper & ink. Coloured shades of bloody pink. It is a cleverly written piece and I am impressed with the correct use of medical terms-circumflex, and knowing the heart requires electrical conductivity and pathways...brilliant but limiting your audience. I am like THE HEART...Your first mistake was to say that I am like the heart, yet if you never beat and never were alive, are you truly like the heart? One could argue that a heart which n...

When she held my hand, if only for a second. Perfectly in mine. It is a very beautiful piece of writing. Like an on unopened flower...your beginning line although simple means more than what it says. A more poetic word instead of unopened would be unblossomed or unbloomed. It also has a more delicate feel considering the subject. Each petel so gently and gracefully comforting each<>other...pedal Laying...Lying Resting in each<>others simple embrace...or one anothers-more poetic. H...

Think about the use of the word originally and the word screamin-too different in intelligence. The use of screamin instead of screaming sounds like urban slang or lyrics, and even lazy writing. The piece will gain much more merit by being written correctly, or keep your pattern of language use the same. I can tell by the subject, you are highly intelligent-use it. Also, rhyme or don't. That also throws a wrench in an otherwise remarkable writing. Most of my peer’s shed tears while I shed blo...

I dreamed of my countrymen...Consider disguising the countrymen at first because as the piece moves forward, you are not talking about the "countrymen" any longer past the fourth line, you are talking globally about the world and its people. I am unsure if you realize that it comes across as a much bigger and more significant vision. On a tiny blue planet, under white clouds, rotating around a yellow sun...perfect mastery of a literary painter. I see the use of color in writing as perfection....

You have a very realistic point of view regarding life as noted in the opening line: Moments became years... And now I don't know you...may be said a better way as it now sounds like a letter, speaking directly to the person. That concept follows through the next lines then you move in another direction. First or second person view? We are shells of those young lovers...very nice visual. Pennies in a fountain rusted over...and here the concept of time is reinforced. Hearts racing, eyes smilin...

Your silence is a silver blade that (shears) Into the deepest, painful thoughts (and tears) Only because you really don't have a rhyme in us and cuts. Through screams and lies and lullabies, soft sighs...Reconsider "soft sighs", it doesn't fit well. And time belies another side of life....again there is a problem with the rhyme of sighs and life not rhyming. Rhymes for sighs or lullabies from http://www.rhymezone.com/: ais, ayes, bies, bise, buy's, buys, chi's, cries, crise, di's, dies, dise,...