You have an interesting talent for language. the parts I like best involve the most simple language, which you have combined into very effective images and emotions. Examples include "all nose and whiskers / green moons for eyes", "stapled to perdition", and really the entire last stanza. Conversely, I find your weakest point to be the opposite: overcomplicated diction that sounds like thesaurus ramblings. "blastproof laughter intolerably muffled", "tsunami under quarantine". and "lubricious,...

It's not bad, but it hinges greatly on the reader being familiar with a lot of astronomy terminology. From the standpoint of astronomy, it's a fairly good poem. But I think it would be stronger with just a touch of jargon, rather than attempting to stand completely on it.

Well it's difficult to critique a 6 word story, so I'll just tell you my most and least favorite Most: Heart attack Least: sex, drugs I found the America one interesting, it seems to me to have a lot of different meanings

This is definitely an improvement over the first chapter, it feels more focused and less likely to veer off wildly into tangents. I did like the character of goldie, and the color stuff is fun, like a girl version of Goldfinger. Your dialogue is still clunky though, and parsed out in very odd places by commas. Try to adjust the punctuation to something more in keeping with how people actually talk. Unless you're going for a 14 year old effect, because they do remind me of middle schoolers at ...

This doesn't actually strike me as a humor/satire piece, with the exception of the last page or so. More of a rant against the current financial situation. I won't go into polemics or arguments over the situation (which does suck), but you have to focus your piece more. Currently it goes all over the place, and really only comes around to the satire at the very end. I would be so bold as to suggest cutting out a lot of the expository background, which does not contribute much to the satire, a...

I really like the "just another damn day" feel of this story. It didn't feel like overt humor, but it did make me smile and there's not a lot of realistic military stories that can accomplish that. I hope it helped you in a cathartic way too. Your phrase repetition is good, and that's something people tend to mess up a lot, glad you got it right. If anything, I think you could make the story longer, with more detail about the locations (like the hospital). Back in the U.S., it feels like ther...

I laughed when I read this, mostly because I did not realize the word "pwned" had been adopted into the common parlance yet. That aside, I think flow is particularly important in lyrics, and "healthy defiance of your deviance" does not seem to flow well to me. I like the idea that it is expressing, but it just does not roll off the tongue. Other than that, I like some of your clever wordplay (especially the salt one)

Hmm. I believe the truth of this story, but mostly because there's not a lot that actually happens in the story. I would actually suggest injecting some fiction, if only to spice things up. You have a good writing style, and the narrative kept me reading, but mostly because I was waiting for the story to get somewhere. I expected some sort of arc that I never found.

Ok, we'll start with the good: your universe is developing nicely, and the commander is a somewhat interesting character, although we don't find out much about him besides his love of killing and the girl. I am curious how you are planning to develop the villains - since you are telling at least part of the story from their point of view, I am assuming that they will not simply be straightforward evil slavers. The parts that need work: some of your sentence construction is awkward. "With a ma...

I hope you're not taking credit for Beowulf.... Booooring! Cute little flash bit, but I wish you had made it longer with some choicey examples of the good and bad things you will be taking credit for