This is a tough piece to critique. Obviously, the writer knows his/her way with words, but I got lost in the avalanche of imagery. Basically, it was a story about an 18 year old walking to one bar, then another. There are three separate stare-down/social collision moments, though the only difference I could tell was that the narrator "flinched" more severely at the third encounter. However, the first two encounters aren't particularly revealing about aspects of the character, so they don't ma...

As you said, it is unfinished, so I have kept that in mind. However, a couple points to consider: "there is no luminescence given from the moon" - Does this mean the moon was not out or just that it wasn't glowing? If you mean there was no moon, you might want to say that and emphasize that it was extra dark because of it. If this is a dull moon, you will want to clarify that as well. "a common misfit, a villain of souls" - These two phrases clash, the first being dismissive, benign and sugge...

I like the circular nature, but not the "It's such a lovely gun." The line just sticks out and detracts from the symmetry. You might try to enhance the symmetry by actually describing the ending, where she psychologically tortures him with the gun, getting her revenge in fear, before finally "penetrating" him (with a bullet), leaving his body leaking on the floor. It's an idea. As far as structure, the three paragraphs beginning with "Regardless", "In wonder" and "She was a great lay" seem to...

The piece is very good. But... Honestly, the assault on the man in the toilet brought the whole chapter to a screeching halt. It just didn't seem realistic. While it is entirely possible the protagonist is a sociopath leaving a trail of bodies in his wake, the description itself departed from reality. Maybe a less violent outburst earlier in the story, to show an escalation, can help the reader believe that the protagonist would "snap" like this. Unfortunately, we don't know enough about him ...

It's a good coming of age story and the writer is very talented at writing strong, authentic dialogue. I would like to see where this story leads (Donovan finding his way out of rural life and into the city?). A couple things you may want to fix to make it more readable/publishable: The hook - The story doesn't lead with a hook. The main character has a zit and it stresses him out, but the purpose of a hook is to convince the reader in the first page or two that this character's story is wort...

I love the third stanza. It expresses that there are a variety of stimuli that lift us up to that moment (though, drop "around" in "dancing around" - dancing in your head is succinct enough and fits better with the successive lines). Good job! Honestly though, I'd lose the second stanza. In "those few seconds," it doesn't "ring true" that you contemplate the state of the world and everything in it, the future, etc. Often, those are the furthest things from your mind (the one time you actually...

Very well done!!! For anyone who's spent time in a nursing home, you've done a great job of capturing it. I'm curious to see how you convert this into a novel. It may make a better short story, but right now is "day in the life" flash fiction. A couple things: The first line is too long - break it up. The narrator's commentary on the nursing assistant's personal lives is awkwardly injected and doesn't flow into the events prior or subsequent. I've seen how some of those places are like Peyton...

As surrealistic angst poems go, it's not bad. You've made effective use of repetitive forms ("Burn you/Cripple you/Consume you" and the emphasis of "cannot" at the end), but you may want to substitute something else in "That falls from/My falling comfort". "Falling" is so passive in comparison to the emphasis of your other repetitions...maybe something like "That plummets from/My plunging comfort". It's more active, more visceral, and maybe a better fit. Just my $0.02. Otherwise, nice job!

You can write - that much is clear. But you need to work on the art of "storytelling," especially in the novel context. The first scene is too ambiguous. You have three characters hiding in the brush when a fourth one appears. They're looking into a field. You should "show" the reader what they look like and what they're looking at in the field. You can tell the reader the setting (date, geographic location), but you're better off allude to it by referring to small things - the reference to t...

Admittedly, this appears to be a cross between a diary entry and a short story, but if you intended for it to be a short story, the dialogue needs work. One thing that kept popping up was the inconsistent use of contractions. At times, the characters speak without them, giving the impression of formality, harkening back to a different time, etc. However, in the next section, they'll use a contraction, so the reader has a hard time hearing the character's "true voice." For example, "'I thought...