it's a bit dark - but i liked it. my criticism being you don't expect that level of violence from the character. this is, perhaps, an old school thing - but if you gave us a HINT of what this person's emotional state was - other than bored. but i liked the piece anyway and wonder what others think. i like that you created something in a very small space.

as a whole this piece shows the universality of broken hearts and sadness. that sort of thing. i didn't understand the shift toward the last couple of paragraphs. actually there were a few places i wondered about. wrists hurt? smell of roses? i think if you found one voice instead of a few this would flow better for me. it's poetry, prose, journal? when you go from what sounds like suicide to out of body "relaxes" i just don't get the shift.

this is a very cool (as in good) piece. a few great moments - surfed the bus, Urine is the cologne I smell. you're calling this a short story. regardless of how it came to you it needs an ending. it's surreal. have a google at "MY LIFE AS A WAVE" i see what mean. it's online.

wow. liked this a lot. a couple of odd shifts in pov bothered me. ty. I’d rather die. was one. maybe they were in italics and didn't translate. i think you have a great beginning. great action. i was wondering for a second why she had to jump out the window but it made sense she'd have to pass her handlers. i hope you get published and make as much money as Ken Follet. I think you might have been able to elaborate a little more on the character - but perhaps you do in the next chapter. anyway...

Void gazes at an October night sky sprinkled with past lives. <<< this and many other phrases were Super. Overall - it's quite well written but for me - not enough action. you hammer away with very witty dialogue that becomes - i don't know - too witty. there's no room for breathing. i know - sounds crazy, but pete and void almost sound like the same people just aged differently. when you transition it's so lightly described that i had to re-read. i think you used - 'still horizontal...

I was wondering if there was something left out in the end. This felt like it didn't have an ending. Reading between the lines? okay - this was the angel of death? you have set up three incredibly bland characters whose lives are wonderfully boring. you do have a plot and that kept me going BUT things appear, (flowers and a pregnant daughter) transitions happen at will and i think this lacks the depth that your writing indicates you are capable of producing. as a ps - when you set the reader ...

well written, somewhat monotonic (in character) for my liking. (which is the part of reviewing that stinks: does one critique the writing or tell the author if they as reader can relate?) there were some very good phrases - and some over slightly written phrases, the kind that stand out as too clever. (when he walked outside i could picture the street.) "He glares at me, and his eyes say the words that I’ve heard so frequently. “Get the fuck out,” those black orbs tell me." could be written -...

Don't know if you write poetry but this seems like a perfect outline for one. Or a song. The short 'paragraphs' seemed too disconnected. I realize they are time cuts. It's that the pacing and rhythms are perhaps too staccato. I don't know - my first instinct was I didn't care much. But I just re-read it and maybe it's just me. The creative line at the end is good. It too bothered me the first time, but the second pass I liked it. I also feel it's the skeleton for something. Great content BTW.

this feels very much like a song. it paints a very clear picture and i like that. lastly i think you could play with your phrasings. this line My life began to evanesce and all became silent felt off rhythm. perhaps you meant that. but i think you could, perhaps, make this stronger. anyway - there you go

don't ask me why - i loved this. think i'll read it to my twelve year old pre teen/100 year old. really interesting/instructive without being didactic. that's all i got for you. thanks for the work.