seanjx's profile

I was intrigued by the idea behind this story--someone exiled by a war living alone in a harsh environment, and based on that I would be interested in seeing how it develops. However, what you've got here didn't work for me on an overall level. First off, the opening was vague. It's all summary with no specifics about the narrator's life. What kind of promise did the narrator's life have? How was it "chipped away"? If I picked this up in a bookstore and just read the first few sentences, it w...

I think you do a good job of simultaneously setting up the situation and developing Stone in this first scene. It makes me wonder where it's going, but at the same time I don't know what the rest of the story will be like, which I think is a good thing. What's going one seems to make sense without me knowing a lot about weather or science. I think you could possibly break up some of the longer sentences. The sentences aren't necessarily run-ons, but I found myself having to go back over them ...

Overall I think this is a really good finish. It manages to wrap most of the story up neatly. The only thing I was wondering afterwards was what happened to Grady's dad. That's the only part that I could think of which doesn't have a conclusion. I don't know what your intentions are, but this feels like it could have some continuation in a second part or other story. This idea of the human and manikin spirits is really interesting, and you manage to present it without seeming cliched or like ...