sera7's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: Oshkosh, WI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 26
LOC: Oshkosh, WI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 26
I’m fairly new here. I’ve joined Urbis in an attempt to sharpen my writing and editing skills.
Items
Version 2
7 Reviews
4 Comments
Long rectangular shadows reflect seemingly endless rows of little white crosses. Only those who venture very near will notice the flowers and flags stuck in the ground between them. Young men lie six feet beneath the crosses which represent their bodies and their sacrifices. A sad, hunched-over, old man props a bouquet of red poppies at the foot of one of the crosses. Lowering the flowers to the ground he wipes a single tear from his cheek with his jacket sleeve. There are hundreds of crosses...
Version 1
6 Reviews
2 Comments
She wears a flannel nighty all day long Germs cling to her skin and underneath her fingernails Imprisoned by her illness, she rarely leaves the house She has scrubbed off the entire top layer of her skin Germs cling to her skin and underneath her fingernails She won’t touch payphones or shopping carts She has scrubbed off the entire top layer of her skin By the time she’s scrubbed and ready, it’s too late to go anywhere. She won’t touch payphones or shopping carts The germs of strangers are h...
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Loyalty Long rectangular shadows reflect seemingly endless rows of little white crosses. Only those who venture very near will notice the flowers and flags stuck in the ground between them. Young men lie six feet beneath the crosses which represent their bodies and their sacrifices. A sad, hunched-over, old man props a bouquet of red poppies at the foot of one of the crosses. Lowering the flowers to the ground he wipes a single tear from his cheek with his jacket sleeve. There are hundreds of...
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Reviews
Watch the run-on sentences. They make things very confusing, to the point where you sometimes lost me. Example, "From the woman running in the park to shed those few extra kilo’s she put on from the discreet cream cup cakes she ate before fitness freak hubby cooked dinner to the woman watching every quantity of food intake she consumes……" This needs to be broken up and/or shortened, and there are several missing commas, etc. There are many other similar issues thoughout the piece. There are a...
Very romantic picture, but a bit too vague. If you were looking to publish this, you would definitely need to beef it up and clarify things a lot more. Good start, though.
Hmmmm....I read this because I was intrigued by the clever and humorous title. However, the poem itself didn't live up to my expectations. It's a good idea, just needs a little more thought put into it. I would suggest keeping the title and reworking the rest of the poem around that.
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