shawner_p's profile
AGE:
44
LOC: Windom, MN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 28
LOC: Windom, MN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 28
I am asiring to be published as most are on this site. I am recently married after 14 years of going it alone! Looking forward to the feedback and intereaction with other writers to get me back in the groove and move me forward toward my goal.
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Version 1
8 Reviews
1 Comment
“Dear Matt…We would like to congratulate you on your appointment to Senate Republican Page. You are invited to Washington D.C. to act as a page for the 2004 legislative Session. Your appointment will run for the legislative term and into any special sessions…your duties will entail delivering messages and running errands for the senators….you will be assigned to a Senator upon your arrival…plan to schedule your arrival for December 26th…” Yes! I have to call Jessie and share this awesome news...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
9 Reviews
6 Comments
CHAPTER ONE I glanced at the desk clock perched next to my flat screen computer monitor, 9:32. I rolled my chair back and stretched my arms and legs and let out a cleansing screatch. I had spent so much time in my office lately, I didn’t know if it was morning or night. Hazards of a lower level office I guess. I remember the day; it was a rather ordinary one Friday, April 23, 2004. I realized I had spent another Friday night holed up in my office because the alternative was to go home to an e...
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Reviews
I like the tone and tempo of your story. Watch the over use of commas. Wow, didn't see that coming! Great story and definitely got my attention and held it. I was a little confused when she went into her childhood memory but that might be because of the way the pages are divided when you critique.
I really enjoyed this fragment of your story. The setting was interesting. The plot appears to have many ways it could go and I would enjoy finding out where your charachters take you. So we know there are wizards, who are those who are not identified at wizards? If Doran hates all wizards but is in the company of them...who is he and why is he part of this revelry? I know, those things will come with the whole story. Just something I tried to figure out in this fragment. I didn't find anythi...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I know that you intentionally included the run-ons, and sometimes they work for you, but to start your story with the first two paragraphs being run-ons really sends a messages about what your reader might expect. When I am reviewing work I find that at one point a particular work will stand out that the writer likes to use/over use. On your first page, that word is "and". You use it in the run-on, intentionally I know, but you also start sentences with it. Might want to consider another way ...
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“I told you I’m not a nice person, and if goes out of their way to make an enemy out for me, they bloody well deserve what they get--missing something. Very insightful and thought provoking. I thouroughly enjoyed the story. The diatribe in the middle tends to take on your voice rather then your character's voice. It wouldn't hurt to break it up a little with some action. Where is she during that time?
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