I think I have to agree that the first section seems to have nothing to do with the second section and therefore makes the whole thing somewhat messy. As far as the subject matter itself I was a little confused. I couldn't quite tell whether the poem was supposed to be about masturbating, or being depressed. Although I suppose the two could go together. I liked your use of words, and I think you have a pretty clear idea of what it is you are trying to say. Maybe just try re-evaluating this pi...

I thought this was good, and overall pretty clear to what you were trying to describe. Some of the lines were a little vague: -"Darkness without the ability to Sing A Slave-wrapped in Gold" Overall I thought it was pretty good, you have a good sense of poetic timing, and you appear to be in control of your writing. Thanks for sharing!

I thought this was a fantastic read. Your writing style conveys the madness perfectly. I felt like so much of it was rushed, but I think it is supposed to be to convey the frantic thoughts in Mortimer's mind. Still, it might not hurt to slow down from time to time and take a moment to le the reader catch up. I felt like the story was lacking in description's of the surroundings. It's good to be inside Mort's head, but it is also ok to branch out to his world, so that the reader can have a cha...

I thought this was great. The descriptions are great, and they made a very easy picture in my mind. I love your use of words. You seem to be very in control of your writing style. There were a few small grammar problems cells doesn't need the hyphen, and I think you meant relinquishment. Otherwise I thought this was great. Thanks for sharing it. :)

I enjoyed reading this. I think you have a great talent for descriptive writing, your use of words is very vivid and easily captures the imagination. However, I felt that maybe you were so caught up in the poetic prose of your descriptions that you might have lost some of the pace. The story, as it is, drags pretty badly and it's hard to stay interested. So far the reader would not have any real idea towards plot, or even character development. Who is this mysterious H? What is he doing in th...

Wow! That was quite a whirlwind read! The style of the writing is very fast paced, and so the reader can easily be caught up in the rant, very clever. Your use of words is great, and your descriptions are very vivid. I enjoyed reading this very much, and I think you could easily find an audience. Keep it up!

Well there was an interesting twist, ha ha. Thanks for sharing this. You have great skill with words. I loved your descriptions, very fulfilling to the mind's eye. I'm not sure how an audience would take the subject matter. As ironic as it would be for someone to actually give their actual heart. I'm not sure people will recognize the subtle point, so much as they would consider all the other details: Why is the woman's lover so accepting of her suicide? All gifts aside his mate is dead. Why ...

I think you have a great writing style, and this was a good read. I don't really think this works as a short story. There is no resolution at the end. You have a lot to work with here, and I think it could go a lot further than what you have. Perhaps into an entire novel? If you want it to remain a short story you will need to restructure it so that there is an ending. What happens to Tsitsi and her son? What happens to Benjamin in the mines? You have a good story here I think, it just needs ...

I enjoyed reading this it has a nice flow, and the subject is bittersweet and a good read. Some of the structure is off, and you are missing some punctuation, but otherwise I thought it was well written. "and it wasnt long before you pulled my friend" I'm not sure what this line means. Pulled away maybe? You seem very in control of what you want to say with this piece, and I think it came across very nicely. I think this is good, you have a good sense of poetry and it's purpose and I think yo...

I enjoyed reading this, it seems like you have a really good plot in mind, and I really think it would make a great story. Your characters are interesting, and you seem to have a clear idea of who they are and what you want them to do, that is a great start. As far as pace goes it feels a little rushed, you have a lot to work with here, yet it feels like you are flashing right through it. Slow down and take some time to really flesh out Razine and Makoto's physical apperance, their mood, thei...