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shinsukato's profile
AGE:
17
LOC: Cooperstown, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 14
LOC: Cooperstown, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 14
Hmm.
I hate poetry. What’s that? You LIKE poetry? You suck. Go write some prose.
Items
Version 1
9 Reviews
3 Comments
Some people are just too stupid to realize how intelligent they really are.
Version 3
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Just for a Just how well do you recall your childhood? Do you remember the total freedom? You could shamelessly put your underwear on your head and strut around your house as a power ranger. Your classes in school included "coloring' and 'nap time'. You were ignorant and you were happy. There was a dark side to childhood however, and it served as a constant taint on the most important aspect of our lives: our social lives. For too long we actually had to be face to face with a person to be '...
Version 2
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Just for a Just how well do you recall your childhood? Do you remember the total freedom? You could shamelessly put your underwear on your head and strut around your house as a power ranger. Your classes in school included "coloring' and 'nap time'. You were ignorant and you were happy. There was a dark side to childhood however, and it served as a constant taint on the most important aspect of our lives: our social lives. For too long we actually had to be face to face with a person to be '...
Version 1
6 Reviews
3 Comments
Silken hair cascades like flowing water eyes that mirror endless fields of passion her lips, so full, set my heart a-flutter. Floats along in her seductive fashion, a smile, so sweet, sends me to my knees her voice echoes like a clarion call my love is as deep as a thousand seas next to her perfection, I feel so small. Her skin glows as if lit by inner flame. Her laughter can fill angels with envy, their alabaster wings whither in shame. The greatest desire when she looks at me she is so clos...
Version 1
13 Reviews
3 Comments
Just for a moment I'd like for you to come with me on a trip down memory lane. Just how well do you remember your childhood? You would go to school, you would work hard, and at recess you would go and play with your friends. Then, after school, you would go home and your friends would, for the most part, be forgotten. You would occupy yourself with yourself, perhaps with your siblings and occasionally even your parents. Your social life ended after you passed through your own front door. Pai...
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Reviews
Right off the bat I have to say that I've always found saying 'one' instead of 'you' to be awkward sounding. While it may be your only choice in formal writing, it seems somewhat unnecessary in this case. Fairly often you draw things out longer than they need to be. For example right in the beginning you say "...thickly cushioned chair looking at the mirror, which had a bejewelled frame, and saw in it..." The commas really just detract from the sentence and you would get the same message acro...
You need to make better use of punctuation. Throughout the entire story I just had an incredibly difficult time understanding some parts without a second read. There are countless instances where a comma was needed, where a run-on sentence could easily have been seperated into two etc. There were several spelling mistakes "appartment is apartment". Sometimes you would change tense in the middle of a sentence (a big no-no). This is really just in need of some serious technical editing. The sto...
"Upon the onset of guilt and humiliation, Amy slowly made her way into the shower." - this sentence is a little awkward. I'd reword it a little so that it's not yoda-speech, eg: "Amy slowly made her way into the shower, guilt and humiliation setting in" "The voices that rang in her head" - this makes it sound like the voices are IN her head. Maybe if the voices were ringing in her EAR it would make more sense. "evoke one huge fight" - I think you should replace "one" with "a" "did, so she hop...
and I had spilt my briefcase - this sentence doesn't make much sense. It should be like "and I had spilt OPEN my briefcase..." promptly after he fired me for being “incapable.” - if the character was already fired, why does it matter that they looked silly in front of their boss. memories repeating in your mind - how about 'replaying'? into softest, warmest PJs ad watch - into MY softest, warmest PJs AND watch... me such a luxurious reprieve. - gramatticaly, this doesn't make sense in the sen...
PAGE 1 with all my blonde hair - take out 'all' “Just shut the fuck up Dave and do it.” - comma after 'Dave' PAGE 2 “For me of course, now be a good little boy and shut the fuck up.” - replace the comma with a period. PAGE 3 thought, Hmm that’ll do the job all right girl - put thoughts either in quotes or italicize them. PAGE 4 , I’ll put a little bit of gel on it first like, so it slides all the way down. - new sentence, not a comma.
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