A finger shoots into the air— A piercing sound; a child’s cry. - can i assume you're referring to magic here? If so, I think that it's a little too vague for people to get the idea. The meter of the poem falters in the last paragraph. Since this is a fairly rhythmic poem, that faltering at the end can leave a somewhat bad impression. Very entertaining though, I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the read.

Filling me with great torrent - do you mean to say torment? Consumed with the anger and frustration - might I suggest taking out the word 'the'?

And tell my time has come. - I've seen sentences like this so often that I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong in 'correcting' them, but shouldn't you say "and tell ME my time has come" ?

When searching for the reasons it’s so hard to find - for this to make sense either replace 'reason' with 'reasons' or "it's" with 'their' ever so faster - very awkward to read it is not just a dream - if you're going to use contractions, try to use them consistently. Pretty enjoyable, keep up the good work.

long, blond hair, bound in a bun - both these commas are unnecessary and improperly used. her thin, almost stringy, frame - if you can, I'd remove the word 'almost'. It made for awkward reading along with allll those commas. , even burn slightly - you need another comma at the end of this bit. -the second sentence of the first paragraph is a huuuuge run on sentence. Look at those commas and find places where a period would work. There's plenty. sat in his chair, with his feet - no comma here ...

PAGE 1 with all my blonde hair - take out 'all' “Just shut the fuck up Dave and do it.” - comma after 'Dave' PAGE 2 “For me of course, now be a good little boy and shut the fuck up.” - replace the comma with a period. PAGE 3 thought, Hmm that’ll do the job all right girl - put thoughts either in quotes or italicize them. PAGE 4 , I’ll put a little bit of gel on it first like, so it slides all the way down. - new sentence, not a comma.

and I had spilt my briefcase - this sentence doesn't make much sense. It should be like "and I had spilt OPEN my briefcase..." promptly after he fired me for being “incapable.” - if the character was already fired, why does it matter that they looked silly in front of their boss. memories repeating in your mind - how about 'replaying'? into softest, warmest PJs ad watch - into MY softest, warmest PJs AND watch... me such a luxurious reprieve. - gramatticaly, this doesn't make sense in the sen...

"Upon the onset of guilt and humiliation, Amy slowly made her way into the shower." - this sentence is a little awkward. I'd reword it a little so that it's not yoda-speech, eg: "Amy slowly made her way into the shower, guilt and humiliation setting in" "The voices that rang in her head" - this makes it sound like the voices are IN her head. Maybe if the voices were ringing in her EAR it would make more sense. "evoke one huge fight" - I think you should replace "one" with "a" "did, so she hop...

You need to make better use of punctuation. Throughout the entire story I just had an incredibly difficult time understanding some parts without a second read. There are countless instances where a comma was needed, where a run-on sentence could easily have been seperated into two etc. There were several spelling mistakes "appartment is apartment". Sometimes you would change tense in the middle of a sentence (a big no-no). This is really just in need of some serious technical editing. The sto...

Right off the bat I have to say that I've always found saying 'one' instead of 'you' to be awkward sounding. While it may be your only choice in formal writing, it seems somewhat unnecessary in this case. Fairly often you draw things out longer than they need to be. For example right in the beginning you say "...thickly cushioned chair looking at the mirror, which had a bejewelled frame, and saw in it..." The commas really just detract from the sentence and you would get the same message acro...