shorn's profile

Hey, haven't read your earlier stuff so I thought I'd just give you (sort of a lot) of stylistic suggestions, which you can obviously take at your discretion. I think overall it's fairly interesting. You write action much more compellingly than exposition. My number one suggestion is to avoid passive constructions with "was" and "were" in favor of active verbs. "seared against tender": I'd lose "against." You also repeat the word "flesh" in that sentence. "decipher": This is a word for codes,...

Interesting experiment. I love the opening line, and line 10 (Then we...). In general I like your rhymes, they are natural and effective. A few I might change--"rehearsal" and "vassal", "forever" and "water" don't perfectly rhyme, but perhaps the partial rhymes are a good accent to the rest (I'm prone to excessive rhyme). Suggestions: In line 5 for some reason I prefer "forget" to "forgot." I suppose because "In this lonely time" and "Watching" imply the present. You could also say "that lone...

You do a pretty good job of creating realistic dialogue, and I stayed interested despite not knowing the whole plot. But since I'm arriving in media res, I'll just make stylistic suggestions. There are only a few actual mistakes, most of what follows is suggestions to make the reading smoother, which you can obviously take as you will. "Turns in age" is distracting even in a fantasy work. "Turns of age" might work. "returning to the sleep": The way this is written, you're saying that his eyes...

Powerful stuff, which shifts from the mundane to the jarring and nightmarish in an effective way. I would be interested in reading a longer version of this. I think overall your images are powerful and apt for a bad relationship, but occasionally you border on melodrama. For me, the cat's vomit, and "his body lays dying" were just somehow over the top (and plus, it should be "lies" dying, see http://www.bartleby.com/64/C003/0192.html). A few revision suggestions: no idea what you mean by "sta...