shortwavebrain's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Long Beach, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 18
LOC: Long Beach, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 18
Let’s consider Urbis a good place to get rid of all my bad writing. I used to edit other people’s work, and I’ve been published here and there. Texas, Canada, other strange foreign lands. I’ve fallen out of habit. So I resurrected this account to get back into it. Writing a short piece every few days, editing it to get it where I want it, as quickly as possible, and then to move on to the next. Also to steal ideas from play writes so I have an idea of how to write my first.
My name is Chris Sick. You can call me Chris Sick.
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Version 1
10 Reviews
0 Comments
Much bukowski & bourbon, too few words.
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Version 1
7 Reviews
5 Comments
The snow turned orange in the light. The upper floors groaned and she broke into a childish giggle, digging into my arms where we sat on the bench across the street. The perfect view. We watched as the snow fell and the upper floors collapsed into the lower, the supports giving way under the heat. Our faces lit up in Halloween colors a few months too late. The flames broke through the roof as the floors sagged into one another and they lit the sky another shade brighter. She laughed harder, t...
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I don't understand why you have Britney Spears speaking exactly the same way as the Queen of England. When writing, even fictionally, about two very known celebrities you should at least make some attempt to keep their dialog similar to their very well known public persona, the end result is that you sound like you don't know how to write different characters. Both of your main characters are very well known and you need to keep that in mind while writing about them. Your descriptions of thei...
This is actually a poem, not a short story. I'll review it as a poem, assuming you just put it in short story category by accident. It seems like you try to write some in a very structured verse but then can't be bothered to adhere to it. You use poor word choices to force rhythms in various places, oscillating between a very lofty sounding vernacular and commonplace phrases like 'cool' and 'liquidating'. This is fine writing for a church bulletin but not for publication, and as for the goal ...
It seems like you have an interesting premise here but you're going in too many directions at once. The beginning, if pared down, and the end are brilliant points. The inbetween is where you have the trouble. The notion that your main character is somehow different from the unnamed/unknown others and that in the end he takes pride and strength from himself being the only one left is very interesting. Also, the notion that some great crime has been committed, first by the friends, and later- p...
Let's start with the simplest problems first. Your reference to Violet comes very early in the story with no explanation of who she is, you then proceed to reference her several times before finally introducing her fully and explaining her importance. Her importance should be implied more if you're going to mention her name without introducing the character. As it stands your narrator(or character, I'm not sure which he is) mentions her offhandedly several times but her importance, position a...
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