Turning from one to the other, voiceless, he screamed. - makes no sense He stares at the doctor with bandages taped across his face. -reword, sounds like the doctor has the bandages across his face Your story is too abrupt to begin, and to end. We have no inside on the characters story and it doesn't make a lot of sense. You need to make the story longer and give more information. How did he feel about his friends, why were they out on the rode, was there more than one vehicle involved, does...

You repeat that she is pretty and about her smile, I would delete one. I really don't understand the nickname reference. Usually a nickname is more descriptive to show love or something like that. Mrs. Golden is too formal and like her real name.

Is this a synopsis for a novel? If not, I think you need to add to this. As written the piece makes no sense. I feel extreme anger and hatred in the piece, but no reason why. , i will harm you again if you ask me very nicely . - why would someone ask nicely to be harmed? And why is the character saying "I will kill you again." A person can be killed only once, yes? pity that u will remember me and my brothers when it is too late for me as it was when i lost them and found you . - this whole s...

Is this novel completed? Very good descriptions throughout your first chapter. I'm already in love with Tony, his free spirit, knowledge, and attraction are evident in the story. Sure makes me want to be by the sea somewhere, sipping margarita's, nice escape. Best of luck on the submission, I know you will succeed!

Awesome! I really enjoyed reading this, very creative idea for a story. You had a few errors, such as spelling or sentence structure. Not enough though to really distract from the story. You are talented. I do think you overused the characters name. He is the only focus until the end and the need to repeat his name so often is not necessary. I'm putting this on my fav list, great job!!!

You have got to be kidding with all the rating criteria! The story feels like I read pages from different chapters of a story. It did not flow well at all. You have no real characters and no sense of the setting. This piece needs a ton of work!

Good opening but the end was a little abrupt though. Sad story. When we age, the boogie man comes in many different shapes. Good job.

First and second sentece need to be linked, otherwise second doesn't make sense on it's own. Sentence structure. Walking through the house, he made sure to make mental notes of the things he saw. - reword, "He made sure to make mental notes of his oberservations while walking through the house." The sound of his voice as it traveled through her mind made him almost made him seem surreal. - rework sentence She rolled over to her side, as her hair flowed down her back and spread out behind her....

I like this very much. The way you describe adultery as an infection, is so true, and is a very inventive way to present this heartbreaking information. I gave you low on the poetry criteria because this is not poetry. I wonder if you are so talented at writing on a subject that isn't as life changing as this subject is. Minor grammar or spelling errors you can catch and correct. I would like to see it expanded to include what the "disease" did to you, your mind, body and soul, by taking away...

Very, very good. You are talented, your story and characters develop well. I think you are very creative in the way you have the girl find the door in the basement. Very cool. I can't wait to see this in the form of your first novel! Best of luck to you!