slade's profile

A universal sentiment, put into imagery that works well. Sometimes I think you are too attached to your metaphor and end up using words that distract from the message. For example, _Remember those whom you invited into your citadel_ struck me as a little corny -- too much castle and not enough person. You also get somewhat repetitious with between "_Remember those who fought beside you, And cherish the memories of comrades_" and "_Remember those whom you invited into your citadel, and appreci...

You say everything twice. Your sentences are followed by others that repeat the same thing in other words. Seriously, almost every sentence does this! This essay should be half as long. For example: _There is no color. There are only hues of gray and black._ You do come up with some very evocative phrasing. I like "_a brown and ice burnt landscape_", for example, and generally I was able to keep an image of what you describe. (Being from Michigan probably helps that.) But, there are also some...

I enjoyed this most when I started imagining it as a stand-up routine. Your humor works perfectly as a way to communicate your "shame". You have a way of writing that is very engaging and easy to read. You very well keep on point and I never was distracted by your word choice or things like that (which is a big thing for me). You've captured a simple, effective conversational tone that never gets in the way of the story. I think you could improve the opening sentence a lot. It may not technic...