slayer4good has no favorites yet.
slayer4good's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Rome, GA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 24
LOC: Rome, GA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 24
This user has not yet uploaded an urbis user description/profile.
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Violet Shaw’s high heeled boots made a satisfying click with very step down the alleyway. Click, click, click as she made her way to the entrance of The Hourglass Nightclub. She was dressed to impress, with leather boots that stopped mid calf, a short black skirt and a royal blue halter that showed off her best assets. She needed to get in without her i.d. being checked. She approached the bouncer with a smile. “Hey, how’s it going?” He snuffed and looked her over in response. His muscles bul...
Version 1
8 Reviews
0 Comments
PART ONE It was a ringing sound, sharp and resonating, that awoke Carol from sleep. What the…? Carol’s arm stretched out from beneath her warm cocoon of blankets and searched for the phone, found it, and dragged it beneath the covers to her ear. “This had better be good.” A mechanized voice came onto the line. “You have a collect call from Douglas County Jail, press one if you would like to accept…” Carol hung up. It had to be a wrong number. She threw the blankets from her head and squinted ...
Version 1
11 Reviews
2 Comments
My mother died on a Tuesday. I answered the phone in the kitchen, while mixing up pancake batter. It rang and I stirred, answered it with annoyance. It was my sister. She told me about my mother while I opened the refrigerator, and all I could say was “I’m out of butter.” Out of butter, damn it, and pancakes gone to waste! These were my thoughts as I hung up the phone without any further conversation. I just put on my shoes and went to the corner store, and found the butter in sticks and not ...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
Marissa kept the pistol pushed into her sister’s back as they left the apartment and climbed into a navy blue SUV. Marissa drove onto the main road in the direction of the interstate. She hadn’t spoken a word since they had left, but Elaine was fidgeting uncomfortably beside her. “Why are you doing this?” Elaine asked, pushing a strand of her dark hair out of her face. “Doing what?” “Well, that’s a good question, too.” Marissa contemplated for a moment, and then spoke carefully. “Lucas seemed...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
There is nothing quite like a cool, clean, crisp sheet of paper with nothing on it. It sits blank and empty like a well of unused potential, and I know all I have to do is put my black ballpoint to that paper and write, write, write and the words fill the page with all the emotions a human is capable of feeling. And the words will be read and my message will be heard and the immense satisfaction will resound through my body like a church bell on Sunday morning. I see all of that and more, al...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
I liked this piece. The only advice I have for you is more detailing and better sentence structuring with the dialogue. It seems you have long stretches of dialogue, and the story would flow better with some breaks with some action in it besides words. There are a few grammatical errors (watch the commas!) but I believe you'll catch them in a finely tuned edit. I think you have a good start here and I wish you the best of luck.
I believe you've got a great talent in which to write and write well. This particular scene doesn't have a lot of action, but as its part of a bigger story that's not important right now. Your details are good, you just need to flesh it out a little more with all the senses (other than sight and smell) to draw the reader further into the tale. Thats the only advice I have at this point. I'd love to read the next piece! Best wishes!
This was just excellent! Your descriptions "bald as a ball bearing" and "turning over like an old engine" are awesome and really make me see the characters clearly! I gave you a high rating, I think you have excellent potential. There are a few grammatical errors, comma splices mainly. But WOW I'm really blown away by your talent, so what happens next???
The first words out of my mouth after reading this were "oh, wow" This is a very good piece and brings reality home. I would leave out the line about war not being like in the movies. You prove that enough with the action and dialogue: the point is to show it not tell it, and you had captured that realization before even writing that sentence. Expand it a little more, a few more details would flesh it out and carry it better, especially toward the end. And that last question was really great,...
I simply loved this, I think it could be great with more development and I would definitely read more. Your dialogue is easy to read, which is a very good thing because there is a lot of it in the beginning. This is a very creative piece. Critically, the only advice I have is not to strt sentences with the word "so", and if it is necessary don't repeat it more than once in a paragraph. I also think you should add characters to the voices asking questions, and include details of the crowd's re...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People






