You do a good job on your dialogue. It is very realistic. "The morning sun that peeked through the two open blinds." delete 'that' "He hopped from off the table." delete 'from' Those were all the mistakes that stuck out to me. Keep up the good work.

I think there's too much background info at the beginning. It should probably come later in the story, or you could sprinkle it throughout. "The thing hadn’t exploded, leaving the truck driver wondering if he’d make it to the base before it exploded." watch out for repetition. you use the word 'exploded' twice here. "One member of that convoy had his face blown off. I saw it lying in a bowl, in a pool of his blood, the mustache still attached to it." good imagery. even though its disgusting. ...

I really enjoyed reading this. I like the electricity between Kira and James. "it's gonna start weather I start it or not" weather should be whether "She was had just flown" delete was If you are gonna have a lot of characters, try to give them all names with different letters. The James and Jordan can get confusing. The part where you go into James' POV is a little strange because at first I thought it was a whole new scene, but instead you were just repeating the same scene with a different...

Wow, your writing is brilliant. I didn't find any grammer errors. You are very good with your descriptions too. I loved the line "Outside, lightning split the sky." I can't really find anything to criticize. But if I had to say something, maybe you could choose a better beginning sentence, because "The sky was dark" is almost cliche. Agents might not like it, if you plan on getting published. But there was nothing seriously wrong with this. If the rest of your story is just as intriguing as t...

I read your profile. We're just alike, I also can't stand reading well written stuff that is boring and uncreative. I like this story because it is very creative. "Seconds following her sentence, Nash’s fangs tore out; he toppled the kitchen table, shattering it." I think you should exaggerate this more. It seems too quick. You could show Nash's emotions better by describing that his eyes darken or have a crazed look as he does this. Show Bria's reaction by her jumping at the sudden rage. "Wh...

I'm still curious about who the main character is and what he's done. At least now I know his name and more about the woman. "She wasn't able to wake me or lift my deadweight from the car." this sentence doesn't seem to fit. it could be deleted, but if you really wanted to keep it, you could have her saying this when explaining why she left him in the car. When the same character is talking, you should keep it in one paragraph. I got confused at some parts because when I read Kelly's dialogue...

I like the characters and the way you portray the friendship between Rea and Dran. Why not just use cinnamon instead of cinnamon bark? I use that to describe skin color a lot. You put that it's midday at one point, and then "They were still arguing hours later when the sky was beginning to darken", so this would mean they argued for about five hours or more. I don't think that's very realistic, unless they dropped the topic for a while, then started up again when the sky was darkening. I have...

"Feeling oddly awkward...Dran shuffled awkwardly" awkward is used twice in the same paragraph here. Try to avoid such close repetition. It's very clear that Rea doesn't like Dran's crush on Xara. It was a little hard to tell that Rea had a crush on Dran until this line, "It was hard to tell in the failing light, but the pink heat in her cheeks seemed to deepen." I think it came across well. It wasn't too forced. It's hard to foreshadow a crush, so I don't see how Rea is going to fall for Ebri...

"‘My image represents America while theirs a different species’" i believe a word is missing here. Do you mean 'while theirs represents a different species'? Or maybe reword it altogether. "dropped her keys down her desk" down onto her desk "Wait, not only did he hire a possible pedophile, but that racist pageant queen" this should end with a question mark. "boyfriend always arrive" arrives I was thinking, could a sheriff get away with doing illegal drugs? Seems like he shouldn't be something...

First of all, I'll say you have a very creative imagination. This is an interesting story. "he picked the bits of coagulated blood from beneath his fingernails and popped the fragments into his mouth." good visual here, although disgusting. "The boy ran day-by-day through the streets..." at this part you're starting the boy's backstory, which is fine if this is a short story. If this is a novel however, the backstory should come later, after the first chapter. When you get here, "The boy scra...