softserve's profile

softserve avatar
AGE: 24
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 02

i’m a fan of billy collins, bukowski, william carlos williams, and ginsberg when it comes to poetry.  i like kerouac, hemingway, and henry miller when it comes to novels.  i’m trying to get my poetry to the point where it can be published.  

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Version 1
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Rain, a polka dotted silence, reminds me of autumn 2007 when I found you in Hillsboro Kansas. I adored your blue soccershorts, lusted from a lawn mower, earning five bucks an hour and watching glowing black hair breeze in the sun. In your dorm, my fingertips glossed brown freckled cheeks, shivering tears for your dead mother, and when you fell asleep, my ribs came warm in your breathing. Outside, it stormed; delicate harmonic tones chimed against glass— inspiration music to eager ears. I once...
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Short Story / the war
Version 1
1 Review   0 Comments
On top of the bar, a demon scarecrow battles an axe-wielding mutant toad. As this mook is giving me her order, I look over at the cook as if to say, "smash them with your hand, quick, they're making too much noise, I can't hear the customers!" The mook orders a Rueben with no kraut. the cook raises her eyebrow at me, then turns toward the grill. Cripes! I hope no one sits at the bar! What if a customer gets a tiny axe in their eye? Surely, they'd sue. Table 3, the guy looks like the man on ca...
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Poetry / Awe
Version 2
1 Review   0 Comments
My Dream grows orange and white blossoms which stem from the black centers in her eyes. One tear of blue water slips emaculately down the middle of each bloom, above where several tiny headless men wait with umbrellas.
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Poetry / rain
Version 1
6 Reviews   7 Comments
As you sit alone in your mother's backyard getting soaked I drop anticipating rolling off your thin lashes making my own fresh river down your face
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Poetry / Awe
Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
My Dream grows orange and white blossoms which stem from the black centers in her eyes. One tear of blue water slips emaculately down the middle of each bloom, above where several tiny headless men wait with umbrellas.
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50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Poetry / "Soul=Lost"
the reader will have sympathy for the narrator if you give specific reasons why the narrator feels this way...give the narrator some character, and include specific examples. For example, you write, "Always searching for some type of belonging And failing miserably"--but you never say how the narrator has failed. If you tell the reader, specifically HOW the narrator failed, then the reader can relate it to some point in his or her life. moreover, i'm not sure this is "poetry" b/c there seems ...
Chilling. I'm a little confused at the word "Spartan"...why was his room "spartan?" i stumbled a little over the pronouns...maybe you could name your perpetrator...was he a friend, family member, etc.?
there is no concrete imagery for the reader to be able to relate to. readers like to be able to derive meaning from a piece, or at least be able to imagine what's going on in the piece. b/c of the awkward word choice, and the monotonous way it's arranged--as run-ons broken in short fragments which contain usually around 3 awkward syllables--few readers will make it to the end of this piece.
the title and first stanza really pulled me in. i equally loved the last line. it's refreshing to read something with a happy ending. the only concern i have for this piece is it's inconsistent meter. stanza 3 line 3 really sticks out for it's 8 beats--makes it awkward to read. also, the stanza 2 "skies" rhyme w/ stanza 3 "sighs" did not come off. i think you have some choices to make w/ this poem, and may have to drop some rhymes to keep a consistent meter--which would make this piece flow m...
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