i understand the idea that you are trying to get across in this poem but i think that the rhyme holds it back. the rhyme makes it seem a little too cliche i think...and it doesnt feel raw or from the heart. I would like to see...something with some more feeling and emotion in it rather than nice little rhymes. it may just be something to do with preference though...but my opinion is that you should keep the subject matter but do something more with it.

I think that this poem...has wonderful images. And it some of it reminds me of nature, and even more specifically this lake cabin that I go to that is very dear to my heart. But then with the mention of political issues i am lost...so if you are trying to convey a metaphor you might make the link a little more clear. Right now it seems to me like a bunch of scattered images and it doesnt really convey much to the audience. So i would maybe create more of a situation and clarify what you are t...

In order for this to be a powerful piece, i believe that there needs to be more detail put into it instead of these over generalized statements. I like what you are saying about secrets..and i like the situations of the way that they seem such like innocent things and then they can change, however i think it would be more powerful if you like...traced an actual situation where these things were occuring. Use some more specific language and some detail to make this more interesting and appeali...

This poem has a strong topic. I think its something that lots of people have gone through, especially young girls. I think its a very personal topic that you seem to have needed to write about to get it out there ya know? However, I believe that there is something missing. Maybe its detail and imagery...maybe its something that grabs me in and makes me want to read it...or maybe its the specific things that I am missing...but something made me want something more to this poem. Something more ...

I like this poem quite a bit. I believe that the metaphor between bees, and the unexpected "stings" of life are quite present. I also like the fact that you broke off the last stanza, because it is reviewing the quiet calm state of the characters now that their storm has passed, and it seems very well placed, so i like that and the fact that you break in the middle of the sentence on the second stanza, in order to separate the third. This is such a deep piece, and it paints so many wonderful ...

This is a really interesting piece, but i get a little lost in its meaning. I think just because the dramatic situation is a little vague to me. I get that it is about some kind of loss, and if that is all you were trying to get across then you got it, but i guess there are some things that i would like to see clearer....like....what kind of loss it is. However, i truly do like your images and metaphors. "corpse-still building" is wonderful, and the last stanza is full of bright images that f...

I believe that the images are fairly strong in this piece, but I am not sure of its point. If its point is just to be a gentle soothing poem, then I think you have got it. But if you would like to make this strong and something that someone can connect to...then I would suggest perhaps scrapping the rhyme, and putting in more of a real life situation. However, the images are very nice and your rhythm was well executed. *kim*

This is a good and powerful piece with a lot of opinion in it, however i think that the rhyme holds it back. There is not a lot of significant imagery in this poem, and not a whole lot of a specific situation, which makes it lack something. Because all a reader gets from this is your frustration, but even that i think is somewhat hidden beneath the rhymes and the lack of specific detail. I think that you could go a lot further with this poem if you picked some specific details about your rela...

I feel like this piece is off to a great start, but i feel like this certainly can not be the finished product...something else has to happen. Its almost like you lead the reader up to this very clamactic stand point...and then just let us off without an ending. I want to hear what her voice sounds like, what words she says...why you are hungry...whats going to happen in the future or...what happened next after you realized that this person fed your hunger? These are all legitemate questions ...

I feel like this...is a start of a poem. The idea had to get out and so you wrote it down, and now its time to expand it. Why should you have been there, and where should you have been? and what makes you worthless? Just because you dont have a care? Or because you dont have somebody to care for you? You see? There is just so much more you could do with this piece and I think that you should go for it. :) <3