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somewhatjoy's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Kapolei, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 16
LOC: Kapolei, HI
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: July 16
I write for fun. I write to improve. And that’s me.
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Version 1
12 Reviews
6 Comments
Day One – Saturday I woke up this morning. Everyone was gone. It didn’t seem weird at first. Nothing moved at all in the house, but what can be expected on a Saturday morning? Mom and Dad always leave for work early and Ron doesn’t wake up until at least two in the afternoon. He fucks the brains out of his girlfriend at night, usually at her house because her parents run the hippie store down the street, so they respect the privacy of their daughter. Sometimes, I wanted to tell them how many ...
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The story itself was interesting, but it didn't seem to keep the quick pace of the Catholic nun's screaming. There also needs to be some proofreading, as similar errors to the following were peppered throughout your story: "However, I what I think and what I say are actually, surprisingly to me, sometimes different." I found the capital letters to be a little distracting, and it could have been just as effective with exclamation marks. Even better, try describing the nun's actions and the sou...
This concept of the piece is interesting, but it feels a little unbalanced to me, with all of the dialogue in the beginning and the introspection at the end. I understand that she's reflecting on her life (this could be done better with first person), but there should have been more insight into her mind earlier on in the piece. You tell us a lot about what she feels and how she thinks, but we don't see it through her eyes. The narrator is telling rather than showing, and that's not interesti...
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The ending's not a cliffhanger because I don't know where the speaker is going with her life. Will she be vengeful? Pitiful? Fight fire with fire, act like she doesn't know anything, and sneak around *his* back? I don't know. But I do like how she attacked the boyfriend and his erm... friend with cherry pie. I'd like to see more of that side of her character. Now that would be juicy reading.
I think you grasp the over-dramatization of adolescence... through the eyes of the adolescents themselves. We've all been there, done that. However, I think it could be a tad less disjointed. Or maybe formatting could help with the separations between the changes in journal entries.
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