It seems to me that you are trying to paint a tapestry of time-and-place, rich in content and experience. I don't think this piece succeeds as a vessel to contain your vision, though; this reads as if most of what you envisioned remained within your own head, and so this piece serves as a "mental shorthand" to re-activate within you the vision that gave it birth, but it cannot communicate to me. I have never seen the movie that inspired the piece, and so cannot see it unless you _show_ it to ...

I like the incremental repetition of your headings; they offer a good core upon which to grow your piece. My problem with it is that it doesn't quite connect, and doesn't offer me the opportunity to feel as grandiose as your protagonist so that the "kicker" at the end really kicks. _I_ want to feel fast, strong, brave, etc. There are five alternate approaches that come to mind, that may be worthy of your consideration: 1. Give additional consideration to the order of your attributes, and see ...

While I don't require a fully laid out context to enter the world of a poem, I think you have assumed at least some of what you should have expressed. This piece reads as the product of an effort to "let yourself go" just to see what comes out, but it leaves me outside of it, watching it try to open the door for me into vivid experience, but never quite finding where that door might be. The formatting you use is interesting, and I think it _can_ work to bring out what you want brought out, bu...

The beginning of this piece offers promise; I like the idea of bringing out the "religious experience" of two lovers together, engaging in an act of non-physical intimacy that complements the physical intimacy that either just occurred or is about to. I would change "salty skin" to "salt," perhaps also adding "trembling" or other suitable adjective before "lips," to imply tears and catharsis without precluding sweat and lustful passion. Don't turn down the opportunity to layer the meaning at ...

While I respect your intent, I'm afraid that I don't think this piece can be made to work as a poem, for a variety of reasons. _Structure_. I love structured poetry, and much of what I write is structured. Your choice of relatively short lines (four accented syllables each) itself is not a problem. Likewise, your choice of rhymed couplets is not inherently a problem. When you combined the two _and_ arrange the piece such that thoughts and phrases end at the end of lines, the result is a chopp...

About ten years from now, I think I might like to buy a book of your work. It is apparent to me that you have been working to develop your craft as well as your perspective. Clearly you have paid attention to the flow within your piece -- it moves well, and survives the "read it aloud" test -- and there is a refreshing vividness to your writing. I particularly like "death-golems." Your last line is a lovely resolution. I would be interested in learning what you consider your literary influenc...

It seems as if you are trying too hard, as if you set out to Create Art, and in doing so you are obscuring the very picture you seek to paint. Part of the problem in that regard is that you are overdosing on florid adjectives. Your ornamentation distracts from your tale, calling attention to itself instead of enhancing the reader's experience of the piece as a whole. You have listed this as a poem, but it functions instead as prose. It lacks the attributes of the poem: elements that may inclu...

You've certainly set yourself a challenge! I admire your intention, but despite your effort it doesn't work for me as a whole. The limitation you have selected leaves you with a series of one-line statements. Although it is evident that you want each of your individual descriptions to serve as a single brush-stroke in the painting of your evening, they don't interact or lead organically one into the next in a way that would allow them to exert the sort of cumulative weight in the mind of your...

This seems to have nothing at all to do with "the creative life." The real problem, though, is that the questions begged by this piece are not the ones you want a piece to beg: you're suggesting that people should love a dysfunction, without supplying a reason why the question should be asked at all, let alone why you expect the reader to find the question interesting. An obvious answer to your question, begged by the question itself, is, "... because it would be like loving an infected wound...

This is a decent effort, and not at all "shoehorned." The fact that your words scan to a defined rhythm helps them along and dovetails well into the message. As a matter of philosophy of writing, I agree with your statement. Also, you have succeeded in packing more into this very small suitcase than what the words, themselves, convey. While it speaks, though, it doesn't "pop," and with all of six words available to offer the reader his "ride," and all the legions who are likely to jump into t...