squarehopper's profile

Did you submit this properly? I don't know but the others I have seen, have a criteria for the contest. Punctuation is important. Take out the quotes and use proper caps and small letters. The message here is vague and not very sharp and hard hitting. So I don't think this has a chance. I would recommend you find a way to make this hit harder - maybe by compacting it and adding more poignant words.

This is good except for the word "my". Word fillers. Without that word this will hit harder. Now you have a problem, 2 more words are needed. I challenge you to find those words to make this even more poignant.

This didn't work for me. It doesn't flow through. I understand that you were probably a pyschotherapist who writes poetry but so what? This piece doesn't make a reader really care - the use of alliteration, though cute, makes it even harder for the reader to get into your idea. Then the big words, many people will be turned off by that alone. No, I think you can make this much simpler and get more out of it for your readers.

Brought a smile to my face. This is compact, concise and carries a lot of meaning to it. Only thing is that "about it" is syllable/word fillers. I challenge you to rethink that last sentence to make this more poignant.