starblue's profile

the first poem I have seen that is all questions. I think it too short, needs expanding. asks some good questions, so explore some answers.

More clarity would be nice. Put it all into present tense and limit the ing endings to strengthen the poem. for example: change to 'joyful giggles' and 'jumping' to jumps' It will not change the meaning, just tighten nicely.

I enjoyed your poem, found it a little different. It would strengthen the poem if it were in the present tense and no ing's for example: V1, L2 change to: reach backward to begin...' and L7 'a lover, bare naked, sprawls...' also the bare and naked are the same choose one or the other, not both L8 shrilling to shrills L10 calling to calls these are suggestions only, your choice. They do not change the meaning, they do, however strengthen and tighten. V2 talking to talks(or speaks) spilling to ...

You only have three lines beginning w ‘I’, but it is better if there are fewer along the left border. V3 I love the last two lines, great inclusion. The light touch of faery tale enhances the imagery. V4 ending on a question leaves your readers wondering what happens and lingers in their memories, a good move for any poem. I think this is good