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strobe's profile
AGE:
44
LOC: Minneapolis, MN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 23
LOC: Minneapolis, MN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: May 23
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Wise oak bends gently bidding farewell to seedlings upon April wind
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Version 1
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FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - DAY The kitchen is a disgusting mess. Pots, pans, plates, glasses, and silverware lay dirty on the counter tops. The white of the walls are stained yellow in places, and a towel calendar from the year 1979 hangs ripped at the corner, and nearly falling off its nail. Three boys are seated at the kitchen table, which is actually two card tables placed together and no table cloth. JOHN, male, 14, wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and blue jean cut-off shorts, is sitting at the...
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Don't feel bad about the 6 for talent. I believe anybody over a 5 should keep writing. Nine's and ten's are reserved for the real heavy hitters, and heck, I'd only put myself at a 6, or maybe a light 7. :) Anyway. I liked this piece. Very readable, over and over again. Actually wouldn't change a thing as each word serves its purpose. The feeling you create is clear and understandable. For me, I felt an hourglass and a beach. I could remember when I moved my hands through the sand on a warm da...
Not bad, it has a soul vibe to it. I could feel a spoken word vibe here too. I like the urban feel to it, something hip hop to jazz/blues. while most of this has pretty good rythum, I would shore it up a bit in the meter department. Double check your syllables, and hide the rhymes. Cool start. Keep chipping away at it.
Sorry. I'm a tough critic. I've been writing poetry for over 30 years. Line breaks, line breaks, line breaks. Hit that return key to punctuate your rhymes. Motive threw me off, did you mean motitvate? the ending threw me off as well with the word it. Cut it. literally. It does nothing here for the ending. Finish on bleed. much more punch. As for the rhymes, they are forced, and there is a lack of rhythum in the lines. Shore up the meter here if you are to put this to song. Count your syllable...
Sorry. I'm a tough critic. Proof read your work, there are a lot of grammatical errors. Know the difference between to and too. I got a feeling that English may be your second language. Which is fine only I can only place you with everyone else writing english prose/poetry. Upon stumbling over mistakes, it was impossible to get the tune you had in your head when writing this. Lyically, John Mellencamp would have something to say, as it is similar to his song Key West Intermezzo. And it was fa...
First get rid of the ? after the last 'wander'. I like this piece as it can be viewed a few different ways. There is a correlation drawn, however softly, to your images, the soldier and the boyfriend/husband. make this connection more obvious with perhas another image of the person outside of the war. the person who would now come home. Divide the imagery more crisply to drive home a very poinent point/message. Good start here but still a little mirky. Don't be affraid to just SAY IT as it is...
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