I didn't find your piece to be odd or ambiguous. It loosely reminds me of a Southern Gothic version of Araby by James Joyce with the jewelry and the fair. - You did a great job of describing their poverty without judging it. "at least they can lie in their beds at night and look up at the ceiling and not see the stars through the cracks.” was excellent. watches twinkled ominously in the lamplight. “Who’s got watches like these, Reny?” Laney whispered ominously. Reny shook her head numbly whil...

I like the rhythm of this poem. Its a sweet story. The "green grass blue skies" part might be better replaced with images a little less used in poetry. Or a new description of grass and sky. It seems to skip a lot of time that's not accounted for. That's kind of unusual in poetry. Maybe a stanza about their time spent apart might help bridge the gap. I like this stanza: they push her to him her scowl soon a grin and they leave them to work slow thoughts out It's simple. The last line is my fa...

This has great rhythm and rhyme. It reminds me of classic poetry. And such a beautiful attitude toward death. Burns with the flame to keep us green.- this line esp "burns with the flame"- is there any other way you can come up with to say this? I really enjoyed the "chilly snow" reference and the burning flame kind of took that image away quickly. Otherwise, thought it to be beautiful.

Overall this is an engaging story. Your writing is very clear. You use a good bit of physical indicators to show Seth's anxiety. My advice is to take a few of your emotional or setting descriptions and give them more detail so that they are unique and vivid to the reader. "She'd been staring, probably wondering if he was a 'risk' patient." I've noticed that I do this in my own writing, hinting at the thoughts of characters outside the main character. Critics don't like that. It's your choice ...

"it seems as though readers are eager to gain insight on the military and the war." "Insight into" might read more clearly than "insight on". "Caught between the innocence of the world he left behind and a new one fraught with danger and intrigue." - You may want to add "he is" to the beginning of this sentence. As it is, the sentence is incomplete. "Both hardened military personnel and the average reader alike will find themselves drawn to these characters and their compelling story."- I wou...

It may not be constructive, but the first two lines immediately made me think of the "Black Hole Sun" video. The second two, made me picture a gothic cabaret. It's a pretty gothic piece.Personally, I like that. This is a poem that conveys a general sense of feeling instead of specifics. A lot of people respond to that style but I don't see it published very often. Although its nice to read. where brighter things bend to break.- In this line "brighter things" is very broad. My first guess woul...

I enjoyed reading this because of its many images. It was a little sad because it has so many ways to say this person feels kind of useless, unworthy or unloved. That is just my interpretation. The first stanza way overpowers the rest in quality, through my perspective. I think it is because it conveys the sentiment in a language most readers will understand. "your love-panes of sugar-glass/break on my head."- my favorite line. the most original image in the poem. love it! "blotting paper mak...

I enjoyed your writing very much. It is emotionally powerful. My first thought when reading this was 'What kind of hold does he have on her?'. They don't seem to be married, or at least they don't live together. I think in the treatment it would be a good idea to reveal what kind of bond they have. This might even boost interest in the story on a psychological level, which you have already started to do with lines such as: "Some days I just want to sit on the floor in a dark room and bang my ...

I awake on her bed bound with Sunday chains. - I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds good. :) and spare us both the awkwardness and ethanol excuses. - it might be a good idea to replace the second "and" with "of", or "to spare us both the awkwardness / of ethanol excuses." In this poem, you've captured a moment that most people know. You've made it heartbreaking and funny. I enjoyed it. The romantic in me went all gooey at the end. Thanks for sharing.

I enjoyed your writing and word choices in the entire story. I'm still shocked by your ending, though. Way to floor anyone who reads this! What kind of contest were you entering? You should go for it next time it comes around. I disagree that you should change "rouse" to "arouse". I used "arouse" once in the same fashion and was reminded that it has a sexual meaning. I usually go for that, but not in the context of the sentence. I may not have read closely enough. Why does he assume the packa...