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swanpatronus's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Peoria, AZ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 17
LOC: Peoria, AZ
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 17
I’m 17, and in the fall I’ll be a freshman at the University of Arizona majoring in Creative Writing. I appreciate all constructive criticism you can offer!
Items
Version 2
9 Reviews
0 Comments
Pointed feet alight on rocky ground as a figure materializes. His eyes glitter with a sense of something evil as he surveys the scene. Destruction abounds in a place scattered with corpses as what little life remains withers before his gaze. He hisses in pleasure at events just occurred. Fingers snap, beckoning his loyal minions. Blue sparks shower down as they appear. He does not turn around. He speaks coldly, as though the ice has frozen his words. “Devour them.” The frenzy lasts a matter o...
Version 3
4 Reviews
2 Comments
The darkness came back. It returns about once a month or so, usually just in time for something really important. I never know what's going to happen in those two or three days it's here, but I always know it's going to be bad. Now be quiet while I tighten these ropes. I don't want to hurt you, I really don't. But I can't help it. That's what you must understand. None of this is my fault. Blame the darkness. It's a simple concept, really. The darkness comes, I do bad things. There's really no...
Version 2
2 Reviews
4 Comments
The darkness came back. It returns about once a month or so, usually just in time for something really important. I never know what's going to happen in those two or three days it's here, but I always know it's going to be bad. Now be quiet while I tighten these ropes. I don't want to hurt you, I really don't. But I can't help it. That's what you must understand. None of this is my fault. Blame the darkness. It's a simple concept, really. The darkness comes, I do bad things. There's really no...
Version 2
3 Reviews
1 Comment
It was the angel who first convinced him to ask her out. He had, of course, wanted to ask her out for weeks. Months, even. But just as he had worked up enough courage, the devil would always win out. He wasn’t good enough, would never be good enough for her. She would laugh at him, reject him cruelly. It had been a long time before the angel’s words of encouragement broke through enough for him to take the plunge. He had been so happy when she said yes. And now look where he is. Black tears ...
Version 2
4 Reviews
0 Comments
“Time travel is most definitely impossible,” says the young man to the old man. The old man looks at him with a twinkle in his eye. “After all you’ve seen, all you’ve done, how can you still say that? How can you say that anything is impossible?” The young man chortles. “It is because of all I’ve seen and done that I make this remark.” He settles down in an easy chair near the fireplace, regarding his counterpart with respect. “For I cannot believe that all the wrongs I’ve seen, and yes, hav...
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Reviews
It's funny and cute, but the fact that the last stanza has 4 lines as opposed to the other ones having 3 throws it off a bit because it's not consistent. Nice job though - it made me laugh :)
It's a nice story, but a lot of your lines have forced rhyming and are slightly off in syllables. The second to last stanza that starts with "polite" is the best example of this to me - both lines just seem a bit awkward. And many of the stanzas are slightly off by one or two syllables in the meter. It's a good start - it just needs a bit of polishing. Also, a small grammatical comment - when you say "its'" and "it's", both when you're talking about the spectral figure, you don't need apostro...
This is a good first chapter. Your words are very descriptive, and the story you've told has kept me interested from part to part and makes me want to read what will happen next. The only thing that confused me while I was reading it was the timeline. I was very confused by the presence of Tebrey in the story until the very last part, when it was mentioned that he had survived the attack. Until that time, I thought that the timeline might have been messed up, because from the first paragraph,...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
It's a good start. I like the idea and I like the contrast between Ari and the so-called "priss brigade." You have quite a few run-on sentences, though - sentences that should be split into two or more sentences. This is just one example - "I sat next to a man named Ari who died fifty years ago or so he said, his face was dark, lined and sinister, his mouth tight but managed a slight grin." Split it between "said" and "his" in order to eliminate this problem. Just go through your entire piece...
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