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tajennings's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Jacksonville, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 16
LOC: Jacksonville, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 16
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Version 2
2 Reviews
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When the waters of eventide have slithered from the fringe of Amelia, and revealed the maze of rivulet and marsh, let the trickle of moonfall through tangled oak and pine steer the furtherance of lip and tremble between the muddy banks of desire. Harbor no attempt to hide the hiccup of your hips from the run of my hands or the melt of your eyes from the swelter of my glance, for your breath’s struggle to stay afloat in the riptide of my kiss leaves any doubt of your love to wash ashore. Dawn ...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Tonight, the low- country crescent moon, made shade of blue by August cloud, dangles dreary, angled as if to frown farewell. No perfumed purl of jasmine-woven wind performs to hear the palmettos applaud, nor sweeps through swamp and street with tendrils of magnolia and pine. Across the harbor, homes, hushed by the repose of lamplight on the Battery, fade into the freckled face of gentle water. Charleston, my muse, she sheds a tear as I drain my glass and lean to kiss her goodnight. Off Sulliv...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
When the waters of eventide have slithered from the fringe of Amelia, and revealed the maze of rivulet and marsh, let the trickle of moonfall through tangled oak and pine steer the furtherance of lip and tremble between the muddy banks of desire. Harbor no attempt to hide the hiccup of your hips from the run of my hands or the melt of your eyes from the swelter of my glance, for your breath’s struggle to stay afloat in the riptide of my kiss leaves any doubt of your love to wash ashore. Dawn ...
Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
If Fibonacci were to formulate a constant of proportionality between the indigo and antimony from which her eyes derive their color, his algorithm would produce a ratio of divine properties. But even in his genius, the acute mathematician would fail. His calculating glance would unravel before the balance of her architecture, and the limits of his ability would be those of an unlearned poet who constructs an allegory out of rational numbers, but does not possess the perspective to predict the...
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Reviews
The idea is excellent. The first stanza is brilliant. I would like to see you remove some of the excess words, for example, the first stanza sounds better to me as: "Supremacy is a black wrought iron fence, fleur de lis and dainty curliques announcing it's divinity." You lost me with the long winded sentence that started the second stanza. I feel it needs to be broken up. Much too cumbersome to read. If you tightened the syntax, fixed some spelling errors, and worked on breaking up some of yo...
I felt the last two lines of the first stanza could be removed altogether. You insinuate with the preceeding lines that the subject does not own his/her own fields. Adding the last two lines to that stanza seems superfluous. The second stanza was the strongest. Excellent use of compounding metaphors. My only other suggestion is to throw in some enjambment or half-meanings in to break up the choppiness of some of the lines. These are only minor things. This piece is obviously well-crafted and ...
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The idea you pulled from the first line was excellent. Humans are losing touch with the real world due to HDTV and reality series, etc. I agree that the indentations confused me somewhat. I didn't understand their purpose. The opening three lines really got the piece off the ground but the last two-thirds seemed to fizzle out. The last seven lines work, in so much that they are cohesive; however, i felt they detracted from the bang of the opening three. I think if you were able to strengthen ...
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