I like the unconventional rhyme scheme, however, I think the poem is too short. One more stanza could make it more visceral.

In brings its message in its sumplicity. Some of the lines, however, I feel like I've heard before,

Love the language....it's so evocative and precise. You clearly are in touch with the essence of expression, kwowing which words to use and where. I'm impressed and hope that you continue writing more of this style.

Such essential use of language, without any superfluous words or trite means of expression. I think you're on to something here, something worthwhile, something--with a bit more exploration--that could lead to something even more significant. Keep honing your skill.s I'm impressed.

Such essential use of language, without any superfluous words or trite means of expression. I think you're on to something here, something worthwhile, something--with a bit more exploration--that could lead to something even more significant. Keep honing your skill.s I'm impressed.