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the_antagonist's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: Las Vegas, NV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 07
LOC: Las Vegas, NV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 07
I think about writing a lot, and sometimes I do it.
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
I've been up for two days. I'm in my room, 7 a.m. I'd been lying in my bed for countless hours, thinking about his riddle. But all the nervousness was in my sheets, so now I'm sitting in the living room, flipping through selected works of Edgar Allan Poe with a sharpie in my hand. I'm crossing out words to make a new story. I'm on the last page of "Four in One Beasts" when I see it: Concubines. I go back to the beginning of the page and black out every word until I reach concubines....
Version 1
2 Reviews
1 Comment
"The best fuck you could ever have is with Siamese twins. They don't like the term Siamese, but it makes for good dirty talk." My eyes are still groggy, but I know only one person who'd talk about fucking conjoined twins. "Why don't you put on some fucking pants, for Christ's sake?" Joe-Bob adds. I stop heading towards the shower and turn around. I'm in my underwear. Joe-Bob is on the couch, drunk off Coors. I just woke up. It's 10 a.m. "What?" "You're a fuc...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Drinking whiskey alone cant' seem to blind the darkness inside my whole being. It seems I'll have to find another way back to me. I used to laught when I was happy but I no longer have a smile. It was stoeln piece by piece until there were no teeth left in my mouth. The gold that rolled through my viens minded the all out. I'm most comfortable when I fall. All this wind roaring past means I can't hear at all. So say what you want, I won't respond, Just nod as you talk. I can't see past my own...
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
I always cry 'round wintertime, Though this year you aren't around to know. The days they may be shorter now but they pass unbearably slow. I hope it don't snow This year, like last And the year before that. I don't get days off of school anymore I'd call you around springtime But you don't pick up the phone. You'd be drunk and with some friends, I'm drunk and alone. The dogwoods are in bloom. Unlike me, They don't need you To grow. I'd forget you around summertime But only for a moment. Lost...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
I love you Jesus Christ But your book Should be revised to contain the line Once upon a time I love you Mr. Buddha man I'm a real big fan But you need to understand Nirvana's just a band I love you Hindu god Shiva You're a multi-armed diva There's just one thing I can't concieve-a How people believe ya There's no one in the sky Nothing happens when you die You only get one try at life So make it count and dance.
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Reviews
I liked this a lot; nearly all the comedic devices worked. I'd take out your sperm being able to leap tall buildings; I felt it almost cheapened its other two super-properties. I feel like you could revise the parts about meeting strangers into stronger jokes. The second one could be cut off before the show tunes sentence; I think it'd end nice with "And then I... well, never mind." The pregnant one works alright, but I'd try and revise it into something funnier as well. I'd also change your ...
I put the notes in chronological order so you can follow them more easily. A couple of intenses I just type out the mistake, as it's an obvious typo. In the beginning, "spoken, no argued" needs a comma after no. The dialogue where Anthony firsts mentions his apartment burning down is confusing. It's hard to follow the "don't you have a man somewhere" to the "Don't tell me you are interested in me." It seems like the second part should be Sandi talking. If not, you should take off the end quot...
I don't think this story works as a news story. The format (and likely the length) has restricted its ability to convey emotion. The defense plea was interesting, but as its written now, there isn't really anything more to the story than that - an interesting premise. You could possibly keep the news story (exactly as it is even, because it is well-written) but include changes in voice, jumping to the POV of Ms. Bell or Mr. Ingham.
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