the_venus_in_isis's profile 
AGE:
26
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 28
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 28
Hello, I am Venus. I’m Apache. I’m fantastically short. I enjoy laughing, and I am a fledgling writer who dabbles in different forms. I enjoy 100% honesty, and the blunter the better! If I don’t agree, then I’ll have no qualms with saying so, but ALL opinions are eagerly anticipated. They may only help, right?
The longer I’m on urbis, the pickier I get concerning reviews. General reviews, excessive quoting, rude reviews, personal diatribes, all of this will lead me to submit a review for a refund. I’m serious about my writing, so I appreciate most the blunt, constructive reviews that site specifically what does and does not work.
I don’t do the fan thing, because, well, if I like somebody’s work I’ll tell them, favorite t…
Reviews
I thought this was straight to the point, and states its point very clearly and with a lot of humor. It says I could've been successful, but I might have compromised my integrity. I didn't want to do that, so now I create what I want, even though it's not lucrative. I think you illustrated it WELL and simply.
'usurper your thoughts' usurp your thoughts would be the way to say it, usurper is an individual. 'These phantom usurpers' would make sense. 'I spat' not spit. Past tense. 'I knew, I had...I needed to begone' These sentences are very awkward and don't seem to fit really well with this piece. You could remove them and not lose anything. The second paragraph only tells the reactions of the narrator, but it does not show them. You mention them gasping at the stench, but why was it only noticed a...
'many have done at' Died? I think this is a good intro. You've built a character, fanatical about the degeneration of humanity, with very few lines. I feel as though I'm about to step into an assassin's mind and listen as he justifies his job. Nicely put together. I would love to know more.
I'm not sure I'm really liking the changes. The beginning is good, but then it gets into sounding choppy once he arrives at the plane to assess what's happened. 'My mother sat...She was trying to...Andi was strapped...She was screaming...' Additionally, the part about the log being the sister is odd, not because it wouldn't conceptually work, but because it's unclear the way it's written. The logs moving, then eyes appear, and Chrissy is inside, but then a wave of fire comes. I like where you...
I think 'nestled' would be better than 'nested'. I liked that you said she left before the ship departed originally, it led me to think it was too painful to watch it slip away, which was a nice conclusion that you let the reader come to on their own. You spend a lot of time describing the build up, which was really good. You gave me a clear picture of the location and atmosphere-nervous idle chater. It really got me to anticipate the arrival and meeting between the two. I was a bit surprised...
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