the_venus_in_isis's profile 
AGE:
27
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 22
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: May 22
Hello, I am Venus. I’m Apache. I’m fantastically short. I enjoy laughing, and I am a fledgling writer who dabbles in different forms. I enjoy 100% honesty, and the blunter the better! If I don’t agree, then I’ll have no qualms with saying so, but ALL opinions are eagerly anticipated. They may only help, right?
The longer I’m on urbis, the pickier I get concerning reviews. General reviews, excessive quoting, rude reviews, personal diatribes, all of this will lead me to submit a review for a refund. I’m serious about my writing, so I appreciate most the blunt, constructive reviews that site specifically what does and does not work.
I don’t do the fan thing, because, well, if I like somebody’s work I’ll tell them, favorite t…
Reviews
I enjoyed the changes, and really like how Suzie suddenly has a prominent role in this. The stepford analogy made me smile so large I flashed my teeth. Adding that Peter suddenly needed Suzie for simple trips to a store he's already been to on a number of occasions was a nice little touch that lets us in on why you're agitated. At the end, the two of you missed the turn and are told to make a U-turn, then suddenly you've reached your destination. It felt like it happened too fast considering ...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
The first two lines make me cringe mainly because they feel cliche and too typical of a rhyme for the intro. I think the 'look and you'll see' is what really makes this offputting at the beginning. I really like the lines that follow though, because they are so clear and vivid. Telling us what your eyes, arms, hands, heart, etc is doing really lets us dive in to this piece. It's unapologetic, and very crisp writing. I was a bit disappointed it was so short, but as always, I really enjoy your ...
Very sweet story (I loved the last line, too cute!) and Sarah is the perfect embodiment of a four year old. One sentence feels a bit awkward to me 'Sarah was counting the days...other hand.' It just feels a little odd when you picture it, and the description of what she's doing (counting for her birthday) feels like a last minute idea that doesn't really tie in well. Perhaps adding it elsewhere in part of the dialogue would give it a more natural feeling. If I read this to children, I would m...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
The double use of ravenous can be very off-putting and immediately jerk the reader out of the piece. Using it twice to describe your hand then fingers is like hearing a cd skip, it prevents the song (or story in this case) from being fully absorbed from point to finish. You repeat greed and dull eyes quite a bit, too. The same effect is felt again in resounding sound. I think you should use onomatopoeia here in conjunction with resounding, like 'resounding taps'. That being said, I really won...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
I like the sentimentality behind this piece, but I think the stuttered rhyming hurts it because it's very forced and rough on the tongue. It doesn't flow naturally (i.e. 'the why you are here, I know' 'well/tell' 'heart/part' I'd suggest restructuring the rhymes so they don't sound choppy, such as 'I love you with more than my heart, Jeffery Mind, body, and soul, you've become a part of me.' I love that you're trying to express that emotion we've all felt that renders us helpless to convey it...
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