'usurper your thoughts' usurp your thoughts would be the way to say it, usurper is an individual. 'These phantom usurpers' would make sense. 'I spat' not spit. Past tense. 'I knew, I had...I needed to begone' These sentences are very awkward and don't seem to fit really well with this piece. You could remove them and not lose anything. The second paragraph only tells the reactions of the narrator, but it does not show them. You mention them gasping at the stench, but why was it only noticed a...

I thought this was straight to the point, and states its point very clearly and with a lot of humor. It says I could've been successful, but I might have compromised my integrity. I didn't want to do that, so now I create what I want, even though it's not lucrative. I think you illustrated it WELL and simply.

I like the sentimentality behind this piece, but I think the stuttered rhyming hurts it because it's very forced and rough on the tongue. It doesn't flow naturally (i.e. 'the why you are here, I know' 'well/tell' 'heart/part' I'd suggest restructuring the rhymes so they don't sound choppy, such as 'I love you with more than my heart, Jeffery Mind, body, and soul, you've become a part of me.' I love that you're trying to express that emotion we've all felt that renders us helpless to convey it...

The double use of ravenous can be very off-putting and immediately jerk the reader out of the piece. Using it twice to describe your hand then fingers is like hearing a cd skip, it prevents the song (or story in this case) from being fully absorbed from point to finish. You repeat greed and dull eyes quite a bit, too. The same effect is felt again in resounding sound. I think you should use onomatopoeia here in conjunction with resounding, like 'resounding taps'. That being said, I really won...

Very sweet story (I loved the last line, too cute!) and Sarah is the perfect embodiment of a four year old. One sentence feels a bit awkward to me 'Sarah was counting the days...other hand.' It just feels a little odd when you picture it, and the description of what she's doing (counting for her birthday) feels like a last minute idea that doesn't really tie in well. Perhaps adding it elsewhere in part of the dialogue would give it a more natural feeling. If I read this to children, I would m...

The first two lines make me cringe mainly because they feel cliche and too typical of a rhyme for the intro. I think the 'look and you'll see' is what really makes this offputting at the beginning. I really like the lines that follow though, because they are so clear and vivid. Telling us what your eyes, arms, hands, heart, etc is doing really lets us dive in to this piece. It's unapologetic, and very crisp writing. I was a bit disappointed it was so short, but as always, I really enjoy your ...

I enjoyed the changes, and really like how Suzie suddenly has a prominent role in this. The stepford analogy made me smile so large I flashed my teeth. Adding that Peter suddenly needed Suzie for simple trips to a store he's already been to on a number of occasions was a nice little touch that lets us in on why you're agitated. At the end, the two of you missed the turn and are told to make a U-turn, then suddenly you've reached your destination. It felt like it happened too fast considering ...

I understand why you chose horror, and I think you describe the scene well with the stilted action. It gives the overall tone a frenzied feeling, and can really move the reader. You left me feeling as confused as the subject of the piece, which is not easy to do without alienaton. I really did not feel cut off from the emotion in the choppy descriptions, at all. I do think it might simply be better suited for poetry, because of it's format and theme (the triple repetition 'run run run' and ch...

The voice of the main character is very strong and clear, which is an immediate plus. It draws you in, though it wanes a little towards the end because of un-necessary extra description. For the most part, I think problems arise with the punctuation and spacing. Ex. 'your knee's in my' (knee is, knee's) Much of what you have written could be in paragraph form. When you write single lines, it adds emphasis. In a large quantity, it can detract emphasis. Keep it where you think it will have the ...

My only criticism is comma usage. 'said keys are in said brother's jacket, which' 'shrink that never' Having said that, this is fantastic as a short and humorous blog. You detail the day in list form, yet the reader still has a chronological order to follow placing each event into the proper sequence. The added touches of screaming into a dish towel and throwing eggs at a fence (which, I suspect, is not a first) are wonderful little details the reader can really relate to. 'hot hate-sex' lite...