themissingsandwich's profile

I liked the story of the lovers knot that you are bringing out and that you have left it universal instead of culturally specific. Most couples are bound by knots during marriage ceremonies, betrothals etc but your metaphorical use of a tradition/ritual makes it all the more divine. My biggest concern was that towards the middle, it stopped being poetry and became more prose, breaking the beauty of the flow you created. You regained it at the end, but the middle part, the physical meat of you...

I feel that the attempt to write in a style of writing from 'days of yore' seems deliberate and not free flowing. I know it is the theme of the piece and I get the ideas you are trying to convey right from the word go. The jerkiness of the flow is what got to me. If you were trying to Biron-esque feel to it, maybe you should just revisit how you put your thoughts down. The thoughts, ideas etc are fab but the expression of those are what you need to work on. I'm not saying it's bad at all, jus...

I really like how you managed to evoke such deep emotion from a simple piece. And you actually managed to make your lines look like a butterfly folding in the end. The sadness and poignancy really got to me. I'll certainly be reading more of your work. People tend to repeat the same things over and over in terms of their feelings when the situation seems stagnant and feelings run riot in confusion. You've managed to say all of that to me through this piece without having to spell it out. :)

I was concerned with the lightness of your tone at the beginning bu it made sense as to why you made it so rhythmic when I got to the end. None-the-less, I think you need to tone down the bubbly aspect of it a tad.