Ok, to begin with I thought it was a war story and was wondering if it was going to be another psycho story. I thought you did a good job of bringing in that is was just a game. But you used the smells to bring in senses that you do not normally use in games, creating the image that he was really into it in his mind. The story moves along at a good pace. The only thing I guess I didn't get was the hot blood in his mouth. It seemed to be out of place. Maybe as he is taken the hits.

Overall I enjoyed this poem. What threw me was the part "Out of All Even the fairgoers" seems out of place to me. Maybe Out of all the fair goers might work. Very good at creating the scene,

Well, as a begining, it had me courious. It seem like it was a good start. I would make some clarity of him going outside. The transition there is not clear. Overall a good start.

I would rewrite this part. breathless he gazed up at the sky barely able to make out One thing I noticed, is you need to find a way to reduce the number of times you use He, His etc. At times, it seems like it is every other word. In lit class and Engl class, we were taught to watch out for overuse of words. Maybe you can think of ways to shorten like I have above. Overall, it is very desciptive and you can feel the cold wet clothes. Keep up the good work

"the two days before. But it beat the traffic" I would use a comma. "withdraw headache," should this be withdrawal? "Monday mornings I think it interesting" How about which I think it interesting "The women. But not all women" here too, The women is not a complete sentence. "them wrestle. Or any other sport " here I would use a coma. Wow, I got loss in the story. The seizure was unexpected and had me griped in the suspense. I would just review over you use of short sentences. Make sure they a...

It has the possiblity of being a good folk song. It is hard to judge without hearing it to music. Either way, I think it makes a great poem. I like how you associate the person with Cain.

Very good. Using the spiral of steps with the ascent into the soul was an excellent metphor. Redemption with the door opening. Very moving .